By Anthony Naderstein
Special to YNOT

OAKLAND, Calif. – As you celebrate your hollow “victory” over reasonable and prudent safety regulations temporarily granted to you by the timid and feckless California Occupational Safety and Health Standards board, I warn you porno people: You will rue the day you defied the great Anthony Naderstein.

My cohorts and I from Californians for Arbitrary and Selective Paternalism (CASP) will not rest, will not waiver and will not stop launching new ballot initiatives until we have made working conditions in your industry so safe, you won’t even be allowed to film actual human beings anymore.

I can’t even describe what a pathetic scene it was here in Oakland yesterday, as dozens of porn stars, having no doubt been intimidated, cajoled and coerced into doing the bidding of their sinister studio bosses, lined up to speak out against their own best interests.

The new guy from the Fried Speech Coagulation, whatever his name is, even went so far as to say the carefully crafted regulations on which I worked so hard were “based in stigma instead of science,” and would “severely hurt adult performers.”

First of all, I have no idea what a 17^th Century term meaning “marks of disgrace” has to do with bloodborne pathogens, but I vehemently deny our regulations had anything to do with the spontaneous bleeding hands of Christ or any other stigmas of which I’m aware. Also, nobody at CASP is suggesting the Gideons should be fined if their Bibles describe Jesus’ wounds on the cross in ways that graphically impart the lack of barrier protection between the Savior and his Roman torturers.

As to these regulations “hurting” adult performers, the exact opposite is true. Condoms, dental dams and other barrier protections can only help performers — unless the performer is “allergic” to latex, a claim I still find dubious. To me, it sounds just like the trumped-up nonsense about people being deathly allergic to shellfish, something I’m pretty sure we Jews just made up to avoid having to explain our dietary proscriptions all the time or to avoid the risk of offending our gentile neighbors who invite us to dinner on fish taco night.

Porno people, regardless of what the FSC may have told you during their relentless campaign of evil, pathetic lies, if you think the regulations the Cal/OSHA board punted on yesterday were bad, just wait until you feast your eyes on the next set of proposals we’re cooking up over here at CASP.

Expanding on our obviously excellent idea of letting just about any Californian initiate punitive action against porn studios that ignore the regulations, our new proposals will explicitly call for viewers to have the right to fire upon any employee (or suspected employee) of a non-compliant studio if summarily executing said employee conceivably could forestall or delay more non-compliant filming.

There will be limitations, obviously. CASP isn’t about to advocate a wide-open season on porn studio employees, for heaven’s sake. Prospective citizen-shooters will be prohibited from using unlicensed firearms, and all weapons used must be .50 caliber or smaller unless properly mounted on a duly-authorized “technical vehicle,” like a Humvee, Toyota Tacoma or Cooper Mini.

When it comes to issuing permits in the first place, it’s going to be “no Mr. Nice Guy,” as well. Under our new proposals, you won’t be issued a permit until I am personally satisfied your company’s protocols and protective measures are up to snuff. Going forward, these health and safety protocols will include post-performance decontamination showers by all performers and crew members, a full physical exam before and after each change in sexual position and a six-month quarantine period for any person who comes in contact with semen — which would increase to nine months if the semen in question was emitted by anyone whose first name is “Mister.”

Finally and most crucially, the days of slap-on-the-wrist fines levied against fat-cat studio owners will be over.

Under the new CASP proposal, companies will be fined based on the most outrageous claims of revenue generation ever uttered by any employee of any adult company or by any affiliate who has ever promoted an adult website.

Under this new fee schedule, a first violation will run $16 million dollars. A subsequent violation within 90 days would increase the fine to $47 million, and a third violation in the same period will result in the owner of the studio being forcibly banished to Estonia, where he (or she) will be required to shovel dung until they die from hantavirus pulmonary syndrome.

As you can plainly see, it would have been better for all of you porno people if you had just accepted defeat and taken your medicine. But noooo, you just had to keep bitching and moaning, moaning and bitching, about your “rights,” about the “constitution” and about “fairness,” as though such things have any relevance whatsoever when someone clearly smarter, wiser and more politically connected is trying to protect you from your own terrible life choices!

Mark my words, porno people: Long after the high-fives, hooting and hollering over yesterday’s “victory” have faded, you will still be cursing my name — which I think you’ll find is a lot harder to do with a latex-wrapped dick in your mouth.

Anthony Naderstein is the Founder and Executive Director of Californians for Arbitrary and Selective Paternalism (CASP), a group of community activists dedicated to making the lives of their fellow Californians safer and significantly less enjoyable since 1990.