VALDERS, Mich. – In response to porn tube site XXXFuckGerbil’s offer to send Brandon Gassey — a felon whose conviction on murder charges recently was overturned — to one of the organization’s upcoming professional wrestling events, the Global Grappling Federation (GGF) has responded with an offer of $150,000 cash for the tube site to “just shut the fuck up for a few months.”

“We are glad to have this opportunity to buy some much-needed silence from the tasteless, shameless, publicity-hungry dickheads who run XXXFuckGerbil,” said Alice Dawkins, a spokesperson for the GGF. “We are awaiting a reply from the owners of the site, who are more than thrilled to be offered the direct benefit of actual revenue instead of just mentions of their brand in the mainstream media outlets that dutifully reprint the tube site’s press releases every time its marketing department farts one out.”

Hannah Burdich, Gassey’s mother, confirmed her son’s excitement at the notion of going to a GGF event, but said she’s not sure how the GGF’s counteroffer to the tube site will affect the plan. Either way, Burdich said, their recent experiences with the justice system have left her and Gassey more than a little nervous and uncertain about whether his prolonged ordeal is really nearing completion.

“I ain’t gotta hire another damn lawyer just so Brandon can go watch some wrasslin’, right?” Burdich asked. “I mean, I appreciate them good shysters who finally got him out, but the rest of their whole damn profession can go suck a big bag of Ohio dicks far as I’m concerned.”

Mike Kulolik, Director of Writing Publicity-Seeking Open Letters for XXXFuckGerbil, said while the company would certainly like to accept the GGF’s offer, he’s concerned about the payment having a “just chillin’ effect” on the company’s publicity efforts going forward.

“Porn companies like ours are the guard-van of freed speech,” Kulolik said. “Sure, if we take the money, we’ll have some extra cash lying around, but at what price? I don’t want to set a precedent which says if you want us to shut up, all you have to do is pay us 150 grand. And I sure as hell don’t want to have to get a real job. I’ve worked too hard to put myself in a position of watching TV news and firing off letters for a living to go back to having to actually do stuff.”

Dawkins said as a paid spokesperson she “fully understands being concerned about losing a cushy and somewhat lucrative job,” but added she doesn’t think “just putting a fucking sock in it for 90 days or so” is too much to ask.

“It’s not like we’re saying they can’t eventually go back to offering porn jobs to every asshole who makes the news,” Dawkins said. “Just give that shit a break until around Thanksgiving. Then you can go back to being the kid who sits in the back of class saying stupid, offensive shit for the mild, short-lived entertainment of those who are just as sophomoric and easily amused as you are.”

Meanwhile, the offer to Gassey also has been harshly criticized by Esteban Harsch of GARISH Entertainment, one of Kulolik’s primary porn-industry competitors when it comes to getting attention from the mainstream media.

“Offering to pay for someone like Gassey to go to a pro wrestling match goes well beyond the bounds of good taste and disgraces the adult entertainment industry as a whole,” Harsch said. “Even though his conviction has been overturned, it’s still repugnant to offer any manner of benefit, compensation or sponsorship to an accused killer who is not a female and at least somewhat good-looking.”

The offer has also caused a stir within the American corrections system, with hundreds of imprisoned wrestling fans petitioning their respective facilities for temporary furloughs to attend wrestling matches. One such petition, filed by a prisoner in Wisconsin, argues denying him the right to attend GGF’s upcoming Grapplepalooza 57 constitutes “a fundamental breach” of his First Amendment rights.

“The petitioner is a committed member of the Order of Rey Mysterio (also known as the “Knights Suplexar”), a devout Catholic organization that spreads its pro-life message by hitting people on the head with folding chairs,” the prisoner states in his petition. “In particular, denying petitioner the right to participate in the Powerslam Eucharist is tantamount to refusing a Muslim prisoner the right to attend “sacred cage” matches featuring Mohammed ‘Baby Sheik’ Hossain — or would be, had this popular and beloved wrestling character not been discontinued when it was discovered ‘Mohammed’ was actually just an Italian guy named Marco Campanelli wearing a turban.”