It’s finally happened!

A man’s need for an actual human to get him off (and this includes his own hand) has become extinct with the invention of Autoblow – a male sex toy that is working to make it nearly impossible to tell the difference between its sweet robotic touch and a real blowjob.

Invented by Brian Sloan, a law graduate who knew the world didn’t need one more lawyer, the Autoblow is backed by real technology. If you don’t believe me, Sloan owns 7 US patents in the field of sex robotics and related expertise. He first came up with the idea in China where he lived for ten years. “I simply knew that men wanted better automatic pleasure devices, and at that time, very few companies took male sex toys seriously,” said Sloan.

Powered by AI, the most recent version – the Autoblow AI+ – packs a punch (or more aptly a squeeze or suck), by delivering 25 blowjob experiences at ten different speeds via its new penis gripper. Touted as the “first sex toy with voice control and a blowjob library” it’s also got its own web app which gives the finger to big tech censorship. “We reject the stranglehold that Apple and Google have over hundreds of millions of people’s sexual thoughts by limiting the language that can be used to refer to sexual activity within apps in stores they control,” stated Sloane.

With the rogue app, the user is ushered into the holy grail – a catalog of blowjobs. There they can take their time browsing before deciding which to download and use offline for some later hanky panky. But it’s really the voice controls that hit the home run. With easy to utter commands like Go, Pause, Faster, Slower, Next and… FINISH ME! – you’ll always get your crank worked exactly the way you want it.

Has your love life been dry as a desert? Is phone sex wearing thin? Is your partner out of town again? Maybe your special someone doesn’t like giving BJs? Even worse, they’re terrible at it!

Never fear, Autoblow is here!

Crowdfunded in 2019, Sloan’s brainchild also holds the record for the most money ever raised for any sex toy – an astounding $381,000 for Autoblow 2 from more than 3,300 backers. Now they’re up to Numero 5 – Autoblow AI+ – and you can bet this won’t be the last version as Sloane’s been continuously improving it since its inception in 2008. Finally, in case you’re concerned, the Autoblow is super easy to clean. Want to know how? Just watch the video below to get the whole scoop – it’s entertaining promise.

So, seriously where does this sex toy fall short?

Well, readers, in fact, there is something terribly wrong with the Autoblow A+.

It needs to be less competitive.

It’s extremely daunting to those of us out there who are trying to give great BJs. It’s hard enough without having to compete against a pile of… tech. Better start practicing.