TALAHASEE, Fla. – I’ve been contemplating a move to a new state for a long time, and in doing my due diligence, I decided it was probably wise to also consider whether I’d change my vocation while I was at it.

Naturally, as a guy who has long made his living writing mostly untrue things about porn and porn-related subjects, I’m super qualified to do just about anything, so long as that thing involves no actual work.

The good news is my desire to do basically nothing comes with a willingness to not earn very much, because if there’s one thing a half-assed writer like me must learn to do, it’s live on peanuts – often literally, for weeks at a time.

After an exhaustive search lasting more than 11 minutes, I’ve determined the most promising new location for me is Florida, while my talents can best be put to work as an elected official, ideally one serving in a capacity in which my trademark ethical flexibility and strong underground networking skills can be put to profitable and not necessarily legal use.

From what I hear, Florida is a “red state,” which I initially took to mean communist, but turns out to mean Republican. To improve my odds, then, I figure I should prepare to run as a Republican. That plan means, among other things, I’ll probably want to secure the endorsement of a group called the “Florida Family Policy Council” (FFPC), which, judging by the top banner on the group’s home page, endorses policy positions which include forcing your family to stare directly at the sun for indeterminate periods of time.

Conveniently, the FFPC offers a candidate questionnaire of sorts, which enables them to get to know a candidate a little better and to decide whether that candidate is worthy of an FFPC endorsement – and possibly a spiffy “Vote No on 4” t-shirt or coffee mug to with it…? (Just a thought.)

Frankly, this questionnaire has way too many questions and some of them are quite personal, so I’m probably going to leave a lot of it blank. I mean, “What prompted you to run for elected office?” Maybe I should just show them my top-secret plan for world domination while I’m at it?

That said, some adult entertainment industry folks reading this might live in Florida and as such, probably deserve to know where I stand on issues salient to the adult industry, like:

8. Do you have a home church or place of worship?

The answers to this two-part question are “No” and “Yes.” No, I do not have a church in my home (I’m not sure my Homeowners Association allows for such, for that matter) but yes, I do have a place of worship. There’s no way I’m giving you Mistress Alya Payne’s home address, however, because you nosey fuckers might stalk her or send a bunch of wacky Christian protestors to her house.

10. Do you believe the government should legislate morality? Please share why or why not.

I don’t think the government has any business legislating morality. Unless there’s money in that sort of thing, of which I can get a taste…?

15. When do you believe that human life begins?

It depends on where you live, I reckon. Around here, not until after 9pm or so. Most of the clubs are fucking dead before then.

18. Should the law ever penalize any woman who has an abortion?

It seems like you might have someone specific in mind. Can I have a hint? It’s Hillary, isn’t it?

22. Do you support the legalization of physician-assisted suicide/euthanasia in Florida?

See previous answer.

24. Do you support AMENDMENT 3, enshrining recreational marijuana use and production in our state constitution?

The fuck…? Weed is still illegal in Florida? LOL

25. Which of the following drugs do you support decriminalizing possession and legalize for recreational use in the state of Florida? (Check all that apply.)

_ Psychedelic magic mushrooms

_ Marijuana

_ Heroine (sic)

 _ Cocaine

_ Methamphetamine

_ None

_ Other

Man, you guys forgot to offer an “All of the Above” option? What kind of crap questionnaire is this?

26. Does the state have a role in prohibiting or regulating certain sexual behaviors? Please elaborate.

Yes, you definitely shouldn’t be letting billionaires get away with fucking underage girls. Pretty sure that’s already illegal, though.

27. Do you support the legalization of prostitution in Florida?

Just in Florida? No, that would be grossly unfair to places that aren’t Florida. Prostitution should be legal everywhere.

28. During the previous session, the Florida state legislature increased the minimum age from 18 to 21 for working in an adult entertainment establishment. (i.e., strip clubs). Do you support this policy? (Please feel free to elaborate on how you want the government to regulate adult entertainment facilities.)

Hmmm…. Tough one. How easy is it to get a fake ID down there in Florida?

30. Do you believe pornography is protected speech under the first amendment and thus cannot be subjected to excessive governmental regulation?

On my hard drive, it’s protected by a strong password; is that more or less the same thing?

43. In comparison to the other candidates in your primary, what distinguishes you from the other candidates?

Has any other candidate in the Republican primary ever written the sentence “Sasha’s butthole, having been double penetrated by the dangerously hung duo, gaped to an almost unimaginable diameter”? Yeah, that’s what I thought.