By Captain Pete Hammarslot
Special to YNOT

MONTREAL – As you’ve probably heard, Pornhub is offering an incredible deal for fans of porn and whales alike. The promotion enables people to enjoy some of their favorite viewing material while supporting a great cause.

While some folks have denounced the promotion due to its association with porn and/or sin, I think open minds are required in some cases — particularly when whales are involved, because whales are noble creatures of unrivaled beauty, grace and dignity.

Unfortunately, I have trouble making the most of Pornhub’s amazing whale sex video offer, having lost my one good eye while protesting SeaWorld Orlando a few years back. It was a small price to pay to fight for the dignity of the whales I so love — albeit a rather high price to pay for the already overpriced 44-ounce soda I was attempting to drink when I accidentally jammed the straw in my eye.

Anyway, from what I have been able to glean by tilting the newspaper at an angle and reading it backwards from its reflection in my well-polished wooden pipe, from now through the end of February, I can watch 2,000 whale sex videos on the site for the price of one cent.

It’s an incredible deal, no doubt, but I’m sorry to report I’ve run into a snag trying to redeem the offer: I can’t seem to locate the “whale porn” category on the site, at all.

Several emails to Pornhub customer support either have gone unanswered or resulted in cruel mockery of my philanthropic fetish. Not only is this poor customer support completely unacceptable from a service standpoint, but it’s also quite unexpected to experience whale-sex-shaming by representatives of a porn site that is actively promoting a major sale on whale sex videos.

A quick perusal of the site’s video categories initially filled me with hope I had merely not searched long and hard enough for the whale sex section, because Pornhub seems to offer literally everything else, including women being ejaculated upon by large, possibly plastic penises which don’t appear to be connected to any actual person or animal.

The site also provides videos of people tied to chairs, people hanging from the ceiling, college girls having sex with men old enough to be their great-great-grandfathers (and/or their British Lit professors), people who either have no hands or have lost those hands inside a very uncomfortable looking blonde woman … just about everything except whales having sex, in other words.

I guess I should have been suspicious right off the bat because, in retrospect, 2,000 whale sex videos for one penny seems like an offer too good to be true. Possibly “too big to fail” as well, assuming that phrase originally was used to indicate guys who work on Wall Street would make great male porn stars.

Then a friend pointed out something to me: Aside from the obviously deeply discounted whale-sex videos Pornhub suggested they possess, every video on the site appears to be free to view!

While I suppose it makes sense to believe people might be willing to pay for something that is a bit more unusual or original than the typical online porn video (and I think fornicating whales would qualify), this is all starting to feel less like helpful charity and more like crass exploitation of marine fetishists like myself.

I’m no porn site design expert, but one thing that might help (assuming Pornhub really has 2,000 whale-sex videos to offer, and this promotion isn’t just a great big scam aimed at well-meaning and gullible whale lovers) would be to list its categories in alphabetical order right there on the site’s main page. That way, I could easily find the whale porn right at the bottom of the list, sandwiched between “webcam” and “whole grain.”

While the sidebar menu allows for alphabetical sorting, it also appears to contain a less-than-complete category list, since nowhere on the menu did I see anything like “Copyrighted Videos We’ve Been Ordered to Take Down Six Times But Are Back Up Yet Again,” a category from which, according to knowledgeable sources, there should be plenty of clips on the site at any given time.

The last thing I tried, thinking maybe the whales just didn’t rate their own category, was clicking into the so-called “Big Dick” category. All I can say is the guys in these videos should never be made to compare themselves to the performers in whale porn, because they’ll all have crippling feelings of profound insufficiency long before the first sperm whale shows how his species earned its name.

I don’t want to be too hard on Pornhub, because so far as I know, this is the first time the site has dipped its toes into the waters of whale charity. Clearly, the repository is a pretty good resource for people who don’t like to pay for their entertainment.

Still, if you’re a whale fetishist like me, Pornhub is really kind of a joke, I’m sad to say. In the end, no matter how much they drop the price of their hard-to-find whale-porn clips, you’re clearly way better off sticking to tried-and-true whale porn classics like BukkOrca, Moby Dicked and, of course, Free Willy 4: Wet, Wild and Well-Hung.

Captain Pete Hammarslot is an animal rights activist, avid smoker of large wooden pipes and captain of the MY Pat Sajak, a vessel in which he intends to tirelessly menace whale-hunting ships just as soon as he can afford to buy fuel and hire a crew.