LANGLEY, Va. – Several popular adult websites have fallen prey to malware attacks this week, and if I’m correctly reading between the lines of what security experts are saying about these exploits, the entire human race is doomed and hyper-intelligent radioactive insects will soon inherit the earth.

Now, to be clear, you have to read very carefully and critically in order to extract the true meaning of what the experts say, because these people are well-trained spin doctors and propagandists, expert in communicating with each other in a coded language foreign to the average ear.

For instance, in explaining to media outlets just how dire our global security situation has become due to the immense and unquestioned danger of frequenting porn websites, Jérôme Segura, a senior security researcher for Malwarebytes, was extremely circumspect in how he went about relating the tremendous peril involved in porn surfing.

“There’s this idea that adult sites are more dangerous to visit than ‘regular’ sites,” Segura said in a recent interview. “I don’t believe it’s entirely true, especially for the top sites, because they do dedicate a lot of resources to fighting fraud and malware. Based on what we have seen in the past months as far as malvertising goes, we have seen just as many top mainstream publishers as pornographic ones.”

On their face, Segura’s words might seem less alarming than the headlines above some of the stories they appear in (like “Watch PORN online? You’ve probably been infected by a computer VIRUS”), or even to directly contradict those headlines. To the uninitiated, Segura’s explanation might come across as reasonable, sober and comforting.

Luckily, the keen intellect of journalists, bloggers, security pundits and apocalyptic Christian preachers who hang out at the bus station downtown has enabled such people to see right through the comforting spin offered by the likes of Segura — whose last name, it ought to be noted, means “safe” in Spanish. By itself, this ought to be enough to make it abundantly clear he’s nothing but a smiley-face mole planted within the security community by the very extraterrestrial cyber criminals who are trying to turn the world’s computers into a one big, interconnected weapon of mass destruction.

Guys like Mr. Safe are fond of telling people they will be fine if they mind the “three As” of cyber security: anti-exploit, antivirus and anti-malware. Invariably, what they leave unsaid is people also need to mind the three Rs: Reptilians, Rothschilds and Roswell.

While a more traditional skeptic might point out Mr. Safe’s company sells anti-malware software and suggest this is why he encourages people to acquire anti-malware software and keep it up to date, people like the bus station preacher and I know better. We look deep into Mr. Safe’s beady little shape-shifted eyes and see clearly his hunger for savory human flesh, calamitous societal ruin and shiny Mayan gold.

Not since the real Paul McCartney died in a terrible jaywalking accident has the public been so systematically and strategically misinformed by the puppet masters who pull the strings of the Lester Holts and Juju Changs of the world.

While they can’t prevent people from finding out about the viruses, worms, exploits and “nanoweasels” with which their computers and mobile devices have become infected, the Reptilian/Rothschild cabal can and does deceive us about the scope, severity and provenance of the problem.

While it’s undeniably upsetting to find out your webcam has been hijacked by some teenage dickhead in Eastern Europe who is using it to take pictures of you while you masturbate to Erin Burnett OutFront then emailing the images to your boss, just imagine how much more distressing it would be to learn the truth: Erin Burnett is a man.

Unfortunately, if you own a device that has been infected by the Reptilian Super Mega Uber Virus, Erin Burnett really being Aaron Burnett is the least of your problems, because your device is now a dirty bomb.

I don’t mean this metaphorically, folks. Your iPhone or Surface or Timex Sinclair 1500 or whatever you use to surf porn sites, is now literally a ticking time bomb — minus the ticking part, obviously, because despite what we’ve seen in action movies, no bomb maker in the age of digital timekeeping has ever made a bomb that actually ticked.

On some pre-appointed date (my highly scientific best guess is Dec. 21, 2021), all of the infected devices will explode in unison, covering their users in weaponized genetically-modified corn powder, starting a chain reaction by which all of our chakras will be misaligned suddenly and irreparably, leading in due course to total economic collapse, the ascendancy of the Anti-Christ in Israel and — if we’re lucky — a final resolution of the NFL’s Deflategate controversy.

You won’t read any of this information in the mainstream media or on the blog of some self-declared “security expert,” not because they don’t know these things, but because they’re in on the whole thing.

Not all of them know, of course (the Reptilians would never trust a loose cannon like Bill O’Reilly with the details of their global dominion strategy, for example), but you can bet your bottom dinar the fat cats at the top of the media totem pole have all been read in to the plan, perhaps even promised lucrative cabinet-level jobs in the New World Order that follows the Day of Device Detonation.

The other possibility, of course, is the media is just freaking out and making far too big a deal of what amounts to a quickly resolved, minor malvertising exploit because the context in which the malware was encountered by users gave them an excuse to put the word “porn” in a headline.

If I were a betting man, however, I’d put my money on the Grand Reptilian Malware Conspiracy — but admittedly, that’s mostly because Vegas odds-makers had the conspiracy at 775/1 at post-time.