By Peter Berton

YNOT – Vicky Vette is bent on controlling the world’s boobies.

That’s right: Evidently unsatisfied with owning her own pair of luscious double-Ds, Vette has embarked upon a campaign to corral every other pair of succulent ta-tas she can find. If the bodacious bosoms are attached to a porn star, so much the better.

Though the rumor has persisted for some time, proof surfaced several weeks ago when Vette announced that Swedish export Puma Swede had completed the “Dirty Dozen” in the international Vette Nation Army.

Vette hails from Norway. Swede, as mentioned, is from Sweden. Also in the VNA are Americans Julia Ann, Carmen Valentina, Francesca Lé, Deauxma and Charlee Chase; Holland’s Bobbi Eden; Canadian Shanda Fay; Mexicana Gabby Quinteros and Cubana Angelina Castro. Do we see a pattern here?

Taking myself firmly in hand, I tracked down the elusive Ms. Vette. She confirmed my suspicions: She does intend to corner the world’s best breasts. From there, libido domination is virtually guaranteed, she said.

YNOT.com: Come clean. Tell us about your nefarious deal with Puma Swede.
Vicky Vette: Pretty simple, really. She agrees not to fuck me with a strap-on too hard, and I run her website in return. The part about the strap-on is not too much of a joke, actually.

The deal is for Puma to be a full part of the VNA girls set up: She’ll wear camo, expose her boobs when needed, appear at conventions with us and fuck on command.

We are assembling what I think is the best talent in porn and making it as interactive for the fans as possible. Hopefully, that means lots of website memberships.

We are up against networks of porn star websites run by guys with hairy balls, so we have stiff competition, so to speak. Puma adds a big-time draw and I am thrilled to have her, especially for the live shows because she could have been a comedienne.

Admit it: This is just another example of the VNA’s urge to corner the world market for big-boobed models, is it not?
Was that a secret? We have been super lucky. Hopefully, that is from some industry word of mouth and chatter.

Porn and boobs go hand in hand, so to speak. We did not set out to get huge-boobed girls, but what can I say? Most guys prefer extra-large bazookas. You know — the heavy artillery.

I am starting to feel like I need a few more CCs to keep up. I think Deauxma, Sara Jay, Angelina Castro, Julia Ann and Puma Swede all have me beat pound for pound. I am dwarfed, goddammit. Now I need another freakin’ boob job!

If you do end up controlling the world’s best boobs, should humanity be scared?
Not at all. We are sending our boobs all over the world and sharing them as much as possible. The goal is to expand boobage, not put it under lock and key.

Boobs for everyone! Let them eat boobs!

Does your runaway ambition have no end, madam?
When you see in the porn press “Vicky Vette sells to Brazzers for five times the amount Playboy was sold for,” you’ll know my ultimate plan has been realized.

That’s a joke!

I am having fun and seeing how far we can take this. We are growing every year, and not just in cup size. Branding and establishing a name outside of just “Vicky Vette” is what this is all about. Hopefully, the VNA is here to stay for a long, long time.

And there you have it, straight from the porn star’s mouth. Resistance is futile. What say you, gentlemen? Shall we surrender?