By Dennis Dodgey, PhD
Special to YNOT

INGLEWOOD, Calif. – As the holder of honorary degrees in psychiatry, neurology and tantric yoga, I can tell you there’s nothing more dangerous in this world than pseudoscience, where flawed methodology and agenda-driven bias conspire to corrupt the scientific process and yield so-called “conclusions” that are misleading, unhelpful and in some cases even fatal.

As you’ve probably read on the internet, a group of pseudoscientists at UCLA have published a new ‘study’ in which they argue their research indicates pornography is not addictive. This is an irresponsible conclusion that threatens not only to deprive millions of men of the assistance they desperately need, but also threatens to deprive my company of the return on investment upon which we’ve been counting since launching the pornography addiction treatment division of Straight Paths Inglewood in 2008, when the potential for a global pandemic of porn addiction first became obvious to our marketing department.

The researchers at UCLA would have you believe porn addiction is not a “legitimate” addiction because their study shows the brain of a person who has a self-declared problem with porn does not react to viewing pornography the same way a cocaine addict’s brain would respond if you presented him or her with a plate of pure, uncut Peruvian blow.

According to Dr. Nicole Prause, one of the study’s authors, “this finding is important, because it shows a reversal of a part of the brain response that has been consistently documented in other substance addictions and gambling disorder.”

First off, as one of the authors of the study, this woman is clearly biased in favor of its results. Just because she personally observed, measured, recorded and documented certain so-called “facts” doesn’t make them true. After all, nobody has observed, measured, recorded or documented most of what you’ll find in the Bible, and we know that’s all true, so how valuable can observing, measuring, recording and documenting “facts” really be, when it’s all said and done?

Second, Dr. Prause is clearly ignoring a central fact here: Whether or not the porn addict’s brain behaves in the same manner as the cocaine addict’s brain, they’re both going to snort the plate full of coke and watch the porn while furiously masturbating, just as soon as both are offered by the researcher. As such, what difference does it make if their behavior fits the model of what one lousy UCLA brain scientist considers to be an “addiction?”

The point here is these people need help, very expensive help, and luckily there are selfless, compassionate, altruistic, well qualified people like me to offer them the assistance they need — and we accept all major credit cards and health insurance plans.

Folks, this universal problem of porn addiction is not something we can wish away, nor is it something we can discount the existence of, even if there’s no particular evidence to suggest it’s real. The stakes are too high to pause, conduct a few studies and rethink the implications of labeling compulsive behaviors as addictions. Among other things, we have a revenue call coming up with our investors a little more than 60 days from now, and it’s imperative we show growth in our porn addiction treatment division in order to offset the recent purchase of a much-needed private jet we use to fly our most talented, effective and in-demand staff physicians to the places most affected by this crippling disease, like Monaco and the island of St. George.

You might wonder how I know so much about porn addiction. The truth is, I was a porn addict for several years, a time during which I let down my family, alienated my friends and hopelessly stained an unthinkable number of bath towels, cloth napkins and cotton undershirts.

What finally saved me was admitting I had a problem. Come to think of it, I had several problems, including chronically sore calf muscles and forearms of wildly mismatched circumference. Regardless, the underlying cause of it all clearly was my severe, unconstrained porn addiction.

Unfortunately, back then there wasn’t much help available to porn addicts. I had to create my own recovery program, which involved a lot of green tea consumption, transcendental meditation and occasional self-flagellation with a leather riding crop. Thanks to my business background, I was accustomed to hard work, so eventually I was able to emerge from porn addiction a changed man with a clearer mind, more open heart and far less chaffed penis.

Over the years, I’ve adapted my self-help techniques into a comprehensive porn addiction treatment program, gradually refining and improving the system so clients of Straight Paths Inglewood recover much faster and far easier than I was able to on my own. For example, we’ve replaced self-flagellation with the more supportive and affirming practice of having our experienced and knowledgeable staff nurses do the whipping, greatly increasing the physical and mental impact of the technique.

If you’re one of the millions of people currently suffering from porn addiction, don’t be alarmed by these eggheads from UCLA claiming your problem doesn’t exist or can be explained in some way that doesn’t relieve you of any responsibility for your own behavior and choices. You do have an excuse, because you do have a problem — and at Straight Paths Inglewood, we’re here to help.

For more information about how to begin repairing your porn-damaged life, contact Straight Paths Inglewood Treatment Centers of America at 555-SPITCA, or follow us on Twitter @BeatPornAddictionNotYourMeat.

Dr. Dennis Dodgey is the founder of Straight Paths Inglewood Treatment Centers of America, which has treated thousands of addicts and abusers of everything from alcohol, tobacco and cocaine to pornography, Altoids and Call of Duty.