SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – If you’re one of those who worries Twitter hasn’t achieved a level of importance in American culture commensurate with its merits, you can rest easy: Twitter’s online profile will soon get a serious boost by way of a new deal the short-burst communications platform has struck with Google, the Official Gatekeeper of Internet Content.

“In the first half of this year, tweets will start to be visible in Google’s search results as soon as they’re posted, thanks to a deal giving the Web company access to Twitter’s firehose, the stream of data generated by the microblogging service’s 284 million users,” Bloomberg reported.

Clearly everyone benefits from being enabled to instantly locate the latest tweets from such luminaries as Justin Bieber (just two days ago, Da Beebs broke the exciting news “Life is good”) or read words of undeniable wisdom from professional athletes about subjects ranging from domestic violence to little-known facts about Nelson Mandela. The biggest beneficiary of the new deal, however, will be Twitter’s legion of relentless, merciless trolls.

True, Twitter Chief Executive Officer Dick Costolo recently has been talking about the need to get Twitter trolls under control, saying in an interview with CNBC he wants to mold Twitter into being “a clean, well-lit place that anyone can have an expectation that they can step into and have a delightful experience without harassment or abuse.”

On the other hand, Costolo also recently disseminated a memo around the Twitter offices in which he conceded “we suck at dealing with abuse and trolls on the platform and we’ve sucked at it for years.”

Don’t worry though, current and prospective Twitter investors, advertisers and particularly thin-skinned users: The Mighty Costolo has spoken, and Twitter will soon “start kicking these people off right and left and making sure that when they issue their ridiculous attacks, nobody hears them.”

Of course, making sure “nobody hears” a tweet which is instantly available via both Twitter and Google searches might be a little tricky.

“It’s going to be harder and harder to be an abuser on the platform,” Costollo told CNBC.

Pressed for details about how Twitter will reinvent itself as a Troll-Free Zone, however, Costollo was harder to follow than Pete Carroll’s explanation of the Seahawks’ last offensive play in the Super Bowl.

Twitter is going to make “aggressive changes to the way we think about this,” Costollo said.

Daaaaamnnn. Aggressive changes to the way the Twitter team thinks about trolls and abuse? I already can hear the sound of Twitter trolls shaking in their boots (boots they bought at a thrift store, but tell people are military-issue, worn throughout their three extended combat tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, naturally).

More specifically, Costolo says Twitter is going to “change the economic equation round, so the onus isn’t on the person being abused to report it, but rather the onus and the burden are on people who are engaging in harassment to prove they should be allowed to continue to use the platform.”

You hear that, trolls? You are in for some serious onus and a great big serving of burden.

It sounds like the trolls are going to be called into the Twitter principal’s office to explain themselves. And if their explanation doesn’t satisfy the principal, then they are going to be kicked right off Twitter — at least for as long as it takes them to fake a new IP address from which to sign up and register for a new Twitter account, an arduous process which takes at least 14 seconds.

Costolo’s vision of Twitter as a clean, well-lit place will be hard to accomplish for a very simple reason: The internet itself is not a clean, well-let place, and the internet is inclusive of Twitter, not the other way around.

The bottom line is Twitter will never be free of abuse, or even largely free of abuse, until or unless its user base becomes populated with something other than human beings.

As Costolo rightly noted a number of times during his interview with CNBC, Twitter is hardly the only online platform on which verbal abuse is common.

Go to any news site which allows readers to post comments online and scroll down to the comments section. Odds are pretty good you’ll find a heap of abuse being dished out to someone therein, whether it be another commenter or the author of the article in question, or tired left/right political trolling undertaken by people from either end of the political spectrum blessed with far too much time on their clammy little hands.

As such, I’m not inclined to give Twitter or Costolo much grief about their ineffective policing of trolls. Those fuckers just come with the cyber-territory, whether or not we like it.

Loudly vowing to take care of a problem as entrenched as social media trolls, however, isn’t even a step in the right direction. It’s just a step into fantasy land — and as Beowulf would tell you, plenty of trolls reside there, too.