By Prudence Beecher
Special to YNOT

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – I just don’t know what’s wrong with all of you filthy, disgusting porno people.

No matter how many times you are told by experts pornography is causing serious harm to everyone and everything, you keep demanding “proof,” like there’s some rule out there saying an assertion has to be supported by fact in order to be true.

Not only is this insistence on being shown “evidence” absurd and unreasonable, it’s also clearly against the Will of God — which is the only truth you need to know.

You can cite all the statistics you wish, but you aren’t about to convince me there’s less violent crime, or less sexual assault, nowadays than there was 30 years ago. I know the opposite is true, because my pastor said so, smart guy.

You think you know better than my pastor? Really?

People don’t stand up, sit down, sing, pray, stop singing, or read from the Bible every time you tell them to, just because you tell them to, now do they? You want to know why? Because you’re filthy, misguided perverts, and my pastor is a righteous man of God, that’s why.

I don’t need a statistic to prove this incontrovertible fact, because the proof is right there in his name: Pastor Robert Goodhue. Put that in your porn pipe and smoke it.

I didn’t come here to scold you, though. I came here to save you.

You need to be saved, not just from porn, but from yourselves. You see, in addition to being addicted to porn, you are controlled by it. Don’t argue with me about this; just listen up for once in your progressively porn-rotted life.

The first thing you have to accept is, just like an alcoholic, you have no control over your addiction. If you keep watching porn, mark my words (and the words of other great thinkers like Jay Evensen of the Deseret News), you will end up committing acts of violence against women.

You won’t be able to help yourself, because pornography is too powerful for you, just like alcohol, marijuana and video games are too powerful. Just as every kid who grew up playing “Doom” or “Duke Nukem” or “The Legend of Zelda” is now a spree killer waiting to happen, so too are you a budding Ted Bundy because of your senseless, woman-hating affinity for porn.

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve been watching porn for years, and I’ve never killed anybody. Why would I start killing people now?”

First off, you’re probably just in denial. Like all those severe alcoholics who drink three beers every Friday night, you think you have it all under control because you can still get out of bed on Saturday morning. If you really have been watching porn for years, I’m sure you have a backyard full of shallowly-buried hooker corpses as I type this sentence, but simply can’t let yourself admit it.

Your denial is a nothing but the tool of the Devil. It is designed to keep you sinning right up until the day you die, so Satan can recruit your soul into his ever-growing Army of Iniquity.

The Devil doesn’t want you to admit you have a porn problem. He wants you to keep sinning, to keep creating suffering and above all, to keep watching porn. (The Devil doesn’t care if you pay for your porn, by the way. He thinks porn tube sites are the greatest thing since the invention of the apple.)

Some say the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he doesn’t exist, but I’m here to tell you the real greatest trick he ever played is called “internet porn.” Internet porn took all this sinful, evil material out of its black wrapper and off the shelf behind the register. Now, the scourge of pornography is everywhere.

I even saw porn during the recent Super Bowl halftime show, where some girl-kissing lesbian porn star danced around suggestively with animals in a shameless public celebration of bestiality, all while singing enthusiastically about firecrackers destroying the moon!. (Or something like that. I wasn’t about to listen too closely to her Satanic propaganda, obviously.)

Some say it’s too late for the world to be saved from pornography. They say I’m wasting my time trying to reach young people who would rather masturbate or spend hours playing violent video games than read the Bible. Maybe they are right, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t try.

Plus, the stakes are too high for all the world’s righteous people (that means me, not you, in case you haven’t been keeping up) to give up on fighting the good fight. For humanity, for all that is holy and for the sake of Super Bowl halftime shows to come, porn must be stopped.

Before this can happen, though, all you porn addicts need to cast off the shackles of your denial, break free from the chains of lust which bind you and use the warmth of Jesus’ loving embrace to thaw your frozen, human-trafficking hearts.

One thing on which we can agree is the choice is yours, because we all know God gave us free will. True, He will have you tortured forever in the Lake of Fire if you make the wrong choice, but you do have a choice, nonetheless.

Remember: God is always watching — even when you are using Chrome in “incognito” mode.

Keep this in mind the next time you’re about to click on a link to a video of an interracial gay midget gangbang, or whatever it is you’re into, you sick fucks.