By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT

PHOENIX – According to a few paragraphs of an article I quickly skimmed while looking over the shoulder of a man sitting outside a Starbucks, either former Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer plans to make a BDSM tape with Donald Trump, or celebrity attorney Gloria Allred is now working for the CIA.

“He’s been water-boarded,” Brewer said, presumably referring to Trump’s qualifications as a prospective sex slave. “It seems like it’s really been somewhat of a put-up oppression of Donald Trump from all of these people lining up.”

After searching all morning for footage of Trump being beaten, humiliated, water-boarded and oppressed by a long line of female assailants, it’s clear the porn video to which Brewer is referring has yet to be uncovered by the national media — raising the question how Brewer came to see it in the first place.

“It’s just unbelievable,” Brewer said of the water-boarding video. “And anybody that’s been under those kind of assaults wants to defend themselves.”

Bondage video producer and veteran New York-area dominatrix Mistress Estelle said while she’s heard rumors about Trump’s sexual predilections, she doesn’t believe he’s ever been water-boarded or appeared in a BDSM video, despite Brewer’s incendiary claims to the contrary.

“The very foundation of being a good slave is to not defend yourself when the going gets tough,” Estelle said. “It’s just fine to cry and beg and grovel and plead, but if you so much as think about fighting back, I’m going to give you one more swift stomp to the balls, then call an immediate end to the session.”

Beyond his well-established pugnaciousness, Estelle said there are other reasons Trump is poorly suited to being a bondage slave.

“Trump can’t even handle someone saying his fingers are stubby,” Estelle noted, “So how in the hell is he going to take the kind of verbal abuse dished out by an actual ‘nasty woman’ like me? By the time we finished with his first round of sissy-slut training, he’d have to undergo six months of therapy just to be able to leave Trump Tower again.”

Gossip blogger Clem Cardashian disagreed with Estelle, saying he has heard from “several very reliable sources” that a Trump BDSM tape does indeed exist, but the sex acts may not precisely match what Brewer described on CNN.

“From what I hear, he likes being pissed on more than he enjoys the feeling of being virtually drowned,” Cardashian said. “Of course, I’ve also heard he can shoot a golf ball out his asshole so far, he doesn’t even bother using a driver when playing a round at Trump International. That seems pretty unlikely, frankly. Clearly, one has to take these sorts of Trump-related rumors with a grain of high-end Amethyst Bamboo 9x salt.”

The revelation of a possible Trump watersports-boarding video comes on the heels of porn performer Jessica Drake’s accusations that the beleaguered Republican presidential nominee grabbed and kissed her without permission. The campaign called Drake’s allegations “false and ridiculous.”

Cardashian said he agrees with the Trump campaign’s assessment, because “neither water-boarding nor pissing on someone are really Jessica Drake’s style.

“About the kinkiest thing Jessica has been associated with to date is her BSDM for Beginners video,” Cardashian noted. “But a little light spanking and some rope play is a pretty far cry from tying Trump to a wooden plank and pissing in his mouth.”

Adult industry publicist Bryce Gauche said he thinks “the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.”

“I can easily see how Trump might have signed on for a little golden shower, then gotten more than he bargained for,” Gauche said. “It’s also possible he never managed to say his safe word correctly, because he does have a tendency to interrupt himself and inject words like ‘tremendous’ or ‘huge’ for no particular reason. Suppose his safe word was ‘Sean Hannity,’ for instance. Well, if he’s twitching around saying ‘Sean huge tremendous problem I have all the best words and a really good brain Hannity,’ his mistress might stop what she’s doing or she might not, depending on how much of a literalist she is when it comes to the utterance of safe words.

“Without seeing the tape, it’s basically impossible to say what the truth is,” Gauche added.

Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.

Images: Jan Brewer by official White House photographer Pete Souza (public domain); Donald Trump by Michael Vadon (Creative Commons license).