SILICON VALLEY, Calif. – When it comes to sexual technology, we live in very exciting times. Whereas ancient humans were stuck masturbating with their grubby, hairy hands and maybe the occasional, meticulously hand-crafted mammoth bone dildo, modern folk have more wanking assistance options than you can shake a Cascade Self-Lubricating Vibrator at.

Of course, from the perspective of the online adult entertainment industry, we’re always wondering what the next big thing will be. (True, we primarily wonder this so we can figure out how to spam the living shit out of end-users of the next big thing, but it still counts as wondering.)

Could the next big thing be the Oculus Rift, despite looking a bit like a modernized version of an old-school Sony boombox one straps to their face? Might it be virtual worlds like Red Light District, once the avatars look a little less like Sims characters hybridized with department store mannequins? Maybe the next big thing will be some combination of the above, with a dash of haptic technology tossed into the mix.

Well, my friends, you needn’t wonder any longer, because the Next Big Thing in porn technology exists in lab just outside San Jose, Calif.

The engineers who created the device developed it under the code name HydraPus, because the groundbreaking machine has both many arms and many heads, all of which deliver many pleasures — or, if you dial in what seems sure to be one of the more popular settings, delivers a healthy and delicious vegetarian burrito.

The HydraPus is the first device of its kind, combining elements of haptic technology, virtual reality, internet access, wireless capabilities, high-definition videoconferencing, Tantric yoga, social networking, personal health self-maintenance, augmented reality, vegan cooking, immersive 3D viewing, a full-featured espresso maker and incredible seven-blade personal grooming technology.

What other pleasure device affords the ability, for example, to be stimulated remotely by your lover while watching Wolf Blitzer in 3D, updating your Facebook status, making a latte and performing a self-colonoscopy, all at the same time?

One of the most amazing facets of the HydraPus is its sophisticated intelligent personal assistant, Slizi. While any similar personal assistant app can tell you where to find the closest farmers market or remind you where you parked your hybrid vehicle, Slizi is so smart she can anticipate your preferences and habits, even without being told what they are.

For example, when head engineer — who requested anonymity, so we’ll call him Ken — demonstrated the HydraPus, activating Slizi resulted in a sultry, Kathleen Turner-like voice asking how adventurous he was feeling.

Smiling broadly, Ken responded, “Surprise me, Slizi.”

As soon as the words left his lips, a gentle whirring sound emerged from within the rectangular black base of the HydraPus. A moment later, Ken’s eyes opened wide as he exclaimed “Whoa!” Immediately recognizing Ken’s safe word, Slizi aborted the specific sexual stimulation subroutine which had caused Ken’s reaction.

“Wow, that is just amazing,” Ken said, casting an awed glance at the main HydraPus user control panel and waving to get the attention of one of his fellow engineers . “Slizi just slipped me a rectal-stimulator appendage, and I hadn’t even engaged Anal Mode yet.”

After getting over the initial embarrassment, Ken explained how Slizi could have anticipated he might enjoy having his nerdly butthole fingered by a futuristic piece of robotic sex furniture: Using a series of the HydraPus’s on-board sensors, Slizi monitors the user’s various physical responses to verbal and sensory input, including heart rate, eye movement, secretions of bodily fluid and what the engineers call Anus Pucker Factor, or APF.

“My guess is as I said the words ‘surprise me,’ my anus loosened slightly and involuntarily,” Ken explained. “I wasn’t even aware it had happened, which tells you just how sensitive Slizi is to feedback — even when the feedback is subconscious and entirely sphincter-driven.”

Having a lot of features, bells, whistles, self-lubricating appendages, HD cameras and built-in, high-quality kitchen appliances doesn’t guarantee the HydraPus will be the next big thing in adult entertainment, of course.

Price will be a major consideration, and retailers will need to commit to many hours of pre-sale training so they can perform demos for consumers without accidentally jamming the espresso component’s milk frother wand up their butts after mistaking it for part of the HydraPus’s Auto-DP assemblage.

Once the minor stumbling blocks, slight learning curves and occasional accidental auto-penetrations have been conquered, however, there is no doubt the HydraPus is going to be the Next Big Thing — just as soon as it makes its debut, which Ken said it absolutely will do “in very short order, probably sometime between AEE 2016 and the early 23[SUP]rd[/SUP] Century.”