By Dr. Ted D. Amore
Special to YNOT

SNELLVILLE, Ga. – Despite overwhelming scientific evidence that porn is responsible for 88.734 percent of all divorces and the proximate cause of a massive increase in sexual assaults across the country (an increase I could prove with published crime data if the FBI weren’t in the pocket of the porn industry and clearly fudging its stats), a lot of people mistakenly believe the scientific jury is still out on the question of porn’s detrimental effects on society.

Some folks even think there’s an ongoing controversy in the medical community as to whether porn addiction is even a real thing. This is just bizarre to me, because the lobby of my clinic’s office is filled with porn addicts as I type this. (No worries. Because I’m such an avid midday golfer, they’re all very much accustomed to me being late for our sessions.)

The reason many people believe these ridiculous things, of course, is there are some very irresponsible pseudo-scientists out there, many of them associated with absurd “academic” institutions like the University of California at Los Angeles, promoting the idea there’s data suggesting porn is something other than the root cause of all modern sexual dysfunction.

Don’t be deceived by these so-called “studies” with all their brain scans and tabular data. They’re nothing more than propaganda created by porn industry cronies in white lab coats. Luckily, there’s a very convenient way to deal with the pro-porn segment of the scientific community: Just do as I do and pretend it doesn’t exist.

As one of my fellow Georgians recently noted, there’s “a growing consensus among top addiction neuroscientists worldwide” that porn use alters the brain in the same way substance abuse does. Among other things, this explains why you see long lines of porn addicts standing out front of methadone clinics all the time.

Sure, my colleague didn’t cite any sources to support his claim, or specify a single “top addiction neuroscientist” by name, but I can personally vouch for the fact he’s right, because I agree with him. As should be empirically obvious, that is the only criterion that actually matters when it comes to scientific conclusions.

This is what a lot of pro-porn and First Amendment Persons (FAPs) don’t seem to understand about the growing pile of absolutely conclusive data to support all claims of porn’s detrimental impact: So long as you ignore all evidence to the contrary, the scientific community has already unanimously determined porn is just like cigarettes, crack cocaine, video games, browsing Facebook and binge-viewing House of Cards all rolled into one debilitating, highly addictive package.

I don’t have any actual brain scans handy to demonstrate what I’m talking about, but you can take my word for it as an expert in things people will pay me to listen to them bitch about: When a science guy takes a picture of your brain as you watch pornography, only the bad parts of your brain engage and light up. By the bad parts of your brain, I mean the brain’s “reward center,” which despite its name has nothing to do with frequent flier miles or buying groceries.

Basically, the reward center is responsible for flooding your body with dopamine — which undeniably feels pretty damn good every time. The reward center essentially encourages you to repeat activities that engender this good feeling. If the activity in question is watching porn or shooting up heroin or playing some goddamn shoot-em-up computer game, you’re halfway to Fucked City, my friend.

The good news is people like me are here to help.

We porn addiction counselors won’t judge you or shame you or suggest for one second you might be responsible for your own behavior, as opposed to being a mere pawn in the eternal cosmic struggle of Good vs. the Porn Industry.

Yes, we porn addiction counselors will be with you through thick and thin, come hell or high water — so long as your checks continue to clear, naturally. (We’re not running a charity here, after all.)

I have no doubt some skeptics reading this post will say I’m only arguing so strenuously in favor of considering porn a debilitating, addictive substance because I’m part of the “recovery industry” and stand to benefit financially from people believing they’re addicts and need help.

This accusation is so disgusting, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t do what I do to make money. I do it to help people — people who, yes, just happen to pay me a fairly significant sum of money for the valuable assistance I provide, including referring them to my colleagues (for a tiny, nominal fee) to help with all their other addictions, like jogging, coffee, chocolate, shopping, bingo, plastic surgery, computer solitaire, FIFA 2016, binge-eating and model car building.

As for my critics on the outer fringes of the scientific community, university-employed hacks like Nicole Prause and Dean Sabatinelli (which, by the way, sure sounds like a typical porn producer’s name to me), I refuse to dignify their so-called “research” with a response, other than to say their conclusions are clearly wrong.

As someone who spends the day listening to smuthounds whimper about their crippling compulsions and failing erections, I don’t need to see tomographic images of a brain to know when it’s housed inside a porn junkie. I can tell by the sweat on their palms, the trail of broken relationships they cry about on my couch and the way they ogle my secretary every time she steps out from behind the reception counter.

I hope this ends the unnecessary debate concerning whether or not porn is addictive. If reading it has made you realize you are a porn addict, contact my office immediately to schedule a free evaluation.*

*Free evaluation comes with your purchase of 6 hours of addiction counseling, or as a bonus for buying my award-winning DVD series, Free Yourself from Money-Addiction: Unburden Your Bank Account on Me.

Dr. Ted D. Amore is an expert in things people pay him to listen to them bitch about, a men’s coach, a counselor, an addiction specialist and an All-Around Groovy Guy who totally understands all the science stuff behind what’s ailing you, whatever that might be.