MISSION VIEJO, Calif. – As we’ve already firmly established, I’m very hooked in to what you might call the “conspiracy underground,” a loose-knit collection of dedicated investigators who fearlessly dig into the propaganda and misinformation provided by mainstream media outlets. That’s the only way I can reveal the truth about what’s really going on in the world.

One of the most persistent and troublesome techniques of those who pull the strings behind the scenes of the global puppet show is misdirection. Calling the public’s attention to some mechanism of their own devising, the conspirators keep us distracted with the narrative they have concocted, allowing their true motivations and machinations to remain concealed from the public.

Sometimes, the conspirators — be they Rothschilds, Clintons or Seacrests — offer what appears to be a glimpse behind the curtain of one of their conspiracies, tempting the public to believe they’re on the trail of a big story. The real intent, though, is to mask a far more frightening and nefarious scheme already in progress.

Take, for example, a recent Motherboard post that purports to be about a conspiracy involving cam girls and OhMiBod vibrators. The heart of item is an allegation some performers are intentionally misleading consumers about the capabilities of their high-tech sex toys in order to get bigger tips.

“As with any good conspiracy theory, there’s a strange presumption that a complicated cabal might actually have risen just to encourage a slightly higher amount of tips from a few lonely gentlemen,” former Fleshbot owner Lux Alptraum wrote. “But reading through the allegations, my main thought was: honestly, who really cares?”

This is classic misdirection: Not only did Alptraum avoid any mention of the real conspiracy at play, but she also downplayed the significance of the proxy theory, thereby preempting the sort of curiosity that might cause skeptical readers to ask more questions, pass through the rabbit hole, or wrap additional protective layers of foil around their anti-mind-control helmets.

The truth about the camming conspiracy, of course, is far more troubling than Alptraum let on. I’m entirely not sure whether she’s part of the lie or just a hapless dupe, but I am sure about what’s really going on.

First though, a little background to give some context — and to prove, beyond any doubt, I know what I’m talking about.

The telephone area code for the Laguna Hills region of California, which is pretty darn close to an area where one major cam company or another has its U.S. offices, is 949.

In conspiracy sleuthing circles, 949 is a highly significant numberbecause it contains one or more nines. Nine is three times three, and three is three times one. We all know that means the Catholic Church is run by aliens with a strange hat fetish, who came to the Earth thousands of years ago seeking to mine precious gold and dominate the soon-to-be-established wafer industry.

Next, consider what a “webcam” is, at its core: It’s a camera connected to a web. We all know what webs are for, but what’s the deal with the camera part?

The camera is really just there to entice “flies” (customers) so the “spider” (model) can sting and immobilize them, maybe consume a little of their flesh for her own sustenance, then lay eggs in their paralyzed bodies. This leaves the customers entirely helpless when the model’s children later emerge to eat them alive from the inside out.

You’re probably thinking I’m constructing some sort of metaphor, wherein the paralyzed body is a sex-chat-addicted customer and the children consuming the customer are analogous to IPSPs charging the user’s credit card some ludicrous per-minute rate — but you’re wrong. I’m saying webcam customers literally are being eaten alive by the spawn of sexy space spiders.

Even worse? President Obama knows all about this horrible “cammablism,” and he’s not doing a fucking thing about it! Why? Because Obama is in possession of top secret CIA intelligence showing the vast majority of cam girls’ regular customers are conservative Republicans. (The partisanship in Washington is truly out of control.)

To be fair to Alptraum, she’s probably unaware of any of this, because conspirators rely heavily on the principle of compartmentalization, which, in effect, prevents the right hand from knowing what the left hand is doing. It’s a great way to keep sensitive materials away from the prying eyes of the public, but probably not a good approach to, say, defusing a bomb or pan-frying pierogis.

You’re probably wondering how the cam-spiders have gotten away with this so far, and there’s no easy answer to the question. Maybe they’re replacing the customers they abduct and devour with shape-shifting body doubles, or maybe they’ve only been eating people whose impact on the world is very minor, so their absence goes unnoticed — like congressmen, NFL place kickers and full service gas station attendants.

Whatever the case, this much we do know about man-eating space spiders: They’re insatiable, ruthless and tend to live in damp, shady areas with solid broadband internet access.

If you want to avoid these creepy, conspiratorial critters, keep your property clear of wood piles and other refuse, check the inside of your shoes every time before you put them on — and for God’s sake, never tip a cam girl until she’s proven she has human genitals.