WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Who am I to judge?” is a common rhetorical question, especially among spineless ninnies who refuse to take a firm stand on questions involving morality, ethics and which city has the best barbecue joints (surprisingly, the answer is Davenport, Iowa — also the birthplace of the chiropractic adjustment).

Sometimes people turn the question outward — “Who you are you to judge?” — especially when it comes to stuff we all think is nasty, gross and unacceptable, like unmarried young people kissing in public. Political correctness prevents us from saying so, lest we find ourselves labeled religious extremists, prudes or joyless buzzkills.

The culture of judgmental timidity which has sprung up around issues of sexual morality clearly is a side effect of an “anything goes” ethos promoted by so-called “progressives,” liberal arts college professors, various producers of Bravo television shows and New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

In the cloud of moral doubt fostered by the parade of corruptive horrors listed above, it’s no great surprise modern Americans are hesitant to call it as they see it when it comes to sexual perversions. It’s acceptable, to wear Star Trek uniforms during sex. Conversely, it is unacceptable to dress as Harry Potter characters. The practice is deeply degrading to Wizard-Americans and strongly associated with occult recruitment and the excessive use of wool.

In such an environment, is it any wonder poor Frank Kobola from Cosmopolitan can’t bring himself to just come right out and say it’s gross, unseemly and fundamentally un-American to find incest-related porn searches rising on otherwise wholesome internet search platforms like Pornhub and GameLink.

Kobola tries to placate readers by assuring us the increase in incest-related searches does not suggest “everyone is out there having family-game-night orgies or that they even want to have sex with their family.” Taking his role as incest porn-apologist one step further, Kobola even flatly asserts these sicko viewers “also don’t want to watch actual incest” noting the movies are “made by paid (and not blood-related) actors and actresses.”

Put simply, Kobola is copping out with respect to people who obviously want to cop a feel of their sister or cousin or whatever.

To say these people aren’t interested in fucking family members is laughable. Let me guess: Next you’re going to tell me the sick freaks who watch Game of Thrones aren’t interested in dragons in real life either, right? Please. Everybody is interested in real-life dragons, not just people who fuck their cousins.

Anyway, since I’ve always relished the role of volunteer public servant, I am hereby offering a handy list of “OK” and “Not OK” sexual practices, interests, themes and imagery for the edification of porn consumers, community leaders, Vatican officials and Penn State University football coaches.

As you will see, the list gets very specific and granular in some areas, because the last thing we need is wishy-washy or incomplete guidance in this area of grave concern. Obviously we can’t cover literally every manner of porn or perversion in a single article, but for the ones we do address, let’s make sure no filthy, shameful stone is left unturned.

• Bestiality: NOT OK, unless the animal is animated, anthropomorphized as to have nice, human-looking knockers and its voice is performed by Kathleen Turner.
• Incest: NOT OK, even in cartoon form, unless the cartoon is Japanese and involves tentacles, flying saucers and either a boarding school or women’s prison.
• Anal sex: OK – provided the right anuses are involved, obviously. (Even the most dedicated chubby-chaser doesn’t want to watch John Goodman take it up the ass.)
• Double-anal penetration: While it may seem inconsistent with my previous answer, double-anal just sounds like a bad idea, even if it happens in cartoon form within the context of a Japanese women’s prison. NOT OK.
• Gangbangs: OK in a record-setting context as a legitimate feat of sexual athleticism, but otherwise NOT OK, especially if it involves double-anal penetration, motor oil or any participant with the first or last name “Scott.” (Don’t ask.)
• Ice-Pegging: I’m not sure what this is, exactly, but offhand it sure sounds NOT OK.
• “Furry” porn: Personally, I have no problem with hippy chicks and granola types who don’t shave their bush, so this one gets my official OK.
• “Plushie” porn: I’m not sure, but I think this is a variant of “furry” porn involving fat chicks, right? I’m going with OK here, too.
• “Daddies”: Despite what seems like obvious incestuous overtones, my personal trainer, live-in nutritionist and frequent travelling companion Chad tells me it’s “just a gay porn thing.” As such, I’m going with OK for this one (so long as the daddy involved is not your actual daddy, obviously).
• Unmarried young people kissing in public: I covered this in the second paragraph of this article, so clearly you already know this one is NOT OK.
• “Grannie” porn: Dude…. Seriously NOT OK.
• MILF porn: I’ve never understood the connection between mature porn and the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, but anything that routinely involves Lisa Ann performing oral sex is OK by me.
• Amputee porn: Depending on what has been amputated, this one could be a little impractical, but as a strong proponent of the Americans with Disabilities Act, I feel compelled to give it the big OK.
• Porn parody movies: This Ain’t NOT OK (XXX).
• Juggalo vs. Trekkie competitive-blowjob porn: So far as I’m aware, currently nonexistent, but if it were to suddenly come into being, let’s say because some porn producer reads this article and thinks “Hey, there’s an idea!” such would be perfectly OK.
• “Feminist” porn: Clearly OK. I mean, who doesn’t like a little girl-girl action, right?

Like I said, no single list can cover every porn genre, or every last freakish sex act your drunken cousin might have told you about or asked you to engage in one night when the two of you were riding together inside the fucking trunk of your brother’s car because said brother thought it would be a great means of reducing the cost of your party of six going to a drive-in movie theater, but the above list is a good start.

It’s not going to be easy to reclaim the nation from proponents of bizarre and dangerous sexual practices like yoga and Lamaze, but if we’re bold enough to be steadfast and clear in our opinions, maybe we can at least get Pornhub fans back to using more wholesome search terms, like “squirting babysitters” or “Japanese boarding school + grey alien + bagpipe insertion.”