By Shane “Shecky” Shuster
Special to YNOT

NEW MILFORD, NJ – In my illustrious capacity as a bar-side relationship counselor guy and an alternative sex therapeuticalist, or whatever, a lot of my regular clients ask me a bunch of questions about porno, especially which pornos they should watch with their lady friends — probably not their wives, knowing these guys; maybe more like the Ukrainian strippers they hook up with from time to time.

Anyway, I read this thing on some supposed “men’s lifestyle” website the other day where some doctor chick who owns some other website talks about what pornos couples should watch, and I just about pissed my fuckin drawers laughing. I never even heard of half the pornos this lady recommended and the other half wouldn’t get me hard if you spiked my Glenlivet with Viagra.

I figure since there’s a lot of guys out there like me, who won’t watch the porn equivalent of chick flicks unless you sew our eyelids open and strap us down to a gurney, someone needed to make a list of the best porno for other couples — meaning couples where the man is the one who wears the fuckin’ pants in the family, whether they’re jeans, khakis or assless leather chaps.

Because I’m a true professional sexopolist, or whatever we’re called, I’m also gonna tell you which of these pornos is right for which kind of couples, using some of my real clients as examples. If there’s one thing my years of counseling experience have taught me, it’s no two drunks, or couples, or drunk couples, are fucked up in quite the same way.

Interracial hole-stretchers: This series is perfect for couples where the man is a steroid-and-spray-tan-abusing guy like my boy Sal (who, although I love him like a brother, has serious freaking issues with both women and black people) and a white or Latina chick with low self-esteem who doesn’t mind being called a whore over and over again. Short on plot and long on black dick and messed-up racial stereotypes, even if your girl don’t like anal, she’ll put up with this. Why? Because a) you’re a steroid-swallowing, rageaholic psychopath she doesn’t want to say no to, and b) if she compromises by sucking you off while you watch some other babe’s holes getting stretched, you’ll probably stop bugging her about boning her ass for a day or two.

Dorm room gangbang: This one is for couples like B-Rock and Dizzy, a pair of boozehound losers from Trenton who I had to cut off and permanently 86 from my office/bar a while back. I recommend this kind of flick mostly because it will bring back memories of how they first met — which wasn’t exactly a college dorm room, but was pretty damn close for a facility paid for and operated by the New Jersey Department of Corrections.

Cumfart cocktails: When you wanna watch porno with a girl, it helps to have a little class. Take it from a bartender: Nothing shows a lady you got class like referring to alcoholic beverages as “cocktails.”

Cash for chunkers: This one goes out to my mechanic buddy Eddie and his fiancée Melissa, because if Eddie even thinks about bringing home a porno where the girls weigh less than Melissa, she’s going to shut herself in the bedroom and cry for a fuckin’ week.

Leather euphoria: Look, unlike that discriminationalist doctor chick, I know not all couples are straight — even the ones who say they are. Take my pal Vito: Even though he’s got a wife and three kids, if he’s going to watch porno with anybody, it’s gonna be one of his “traveling companion” friends from Club Feathers down on Kinderkamack Road, if you catch my drift.

My girlfriend’s cock: A lot of times when the ladies don’t want to watch porno, it’s because they believe the girls in the videos are being “exploited.” They think of that as a bad thing, not a hot thing. What better way to avoid the problem than to watch porn with no chicks in it, but half the dudes don’t look like dudes above the waist? Sure, seeing a cock and balls where you expect to see a pussy takes some getting used to, but if you get drunk enough first, you should be able to convince yourself it’s just a double-vision thing.

Beggin’ for a peggin’: The couples audience for this category is probably a little smaller than for the others on the list, but it’s absolutely freaking perfect for my cousin Ralphie and his gumar Janis. (Sorry to rat on you like that Ralphie boy, but it is what it is.)

There’s lots of other good porno out there for couples who have reached a more “advanced” stage of shared porno-watching, like the Rectal Romance series from Max Midcore and the stuff made for erotic foodies, like Chef Ira Isaacs’s Bon Appetit, but for beginners it’s best to stick with the tamer end of the porno spectrum at first.

Stay tuned to this space for more porno-watching tips in the future, including BDSM tips from my head bouncer, Dalton, who will remind us all that in the context of kinky sex, “pain don’t hurt.”

Shane “Shecky” Shuster is a New Milford, New Jersey-based bartender, counselor guy and alternative sex therapeuticalist, or whatever.