By Ben Suroeste

LAS VEGAS – In an explosive exchange of strongly worded press releases, adult entertainment studio Emancipation Entertainment and its former counsel, Tito Mendacio, made no secret of their mutual opinion the other is a total dick, entirely lacking in professionalism, ethics and effective personal hygiene.

“Following our discovery that Mr. Mendacio had been for months routinely eating every single Rice Krispies treat provided in the company’s break room on a weekly basis, and in light of his subsequent, utterly false claim he had personally witnessed members of the video-capture team consuming the same snacks outside of company-sanctioned break periods, Emancipation decided to undertake a comprehensive internal investigation into other possible misdeeds and ethical violations on the part of Mr. Mendacio,” Emancipation said in a statement issued late last week.

“Mr. Mendacio’s petulant response to learning of the investigation included pouring an entire bottle of half-and-half down the kitchen sink, carving the words ‘Warning: Asshat Ahead’ into the office door of the company president and removing every last sheet of toilet paper from the office complex before storming out of the building in a juvenile rage,” the statement continued.

Emancipation further accused Mendacio of borrowing vehicles from various employees and returning them with virtually no gas in the tank, “profligate theft” of company paper clips and “loudly farting at regular intervals” during staff meetings.

Citing handwritten notes on a napkin left behind by Scott R. Buggerahl, the arbitrator currently hearing the dispute, Emancipation spokesperson Brent Firestone said the studio’s executives feel “heartened, validated and vindicated by the fact the arbitrator evidently thinks Mr. Mendacio is just as big a douchebag as we do.”

“If you look right here, next to what appears to be a doodle representing Mr. Mendacio, Mr. Buggerahl has drawn a little arrow connecting the drawing to the words ‘lying, fat dago ambulance-chaser,’” Firestone said. “While not particularly politically correct, we do think it’s a very telling indication of how the arbitrator will rule, once the final award has been issued.”

In response to Emancipation’s announcement, Mendacio delivered to the media a glossy, graphic-heavy, interactive power point presentation entitled “Why Arbitration Cases Should Not be Tried in the Press.”

“While my former clients have chosen to take the path of smearing my good name in the media, I’m going to do the responsible thing and make my case in court, not in public, and I’m going to stick to the facts and not try to distract people with rhetorical irrelevancies or attempt to get people to focus on the abject sleaziness of my former employers,” Mendacio noted in a professionally produced video accompanying the release, while holding an American flag in one hand and a tattered, artificially-aged replica of the U.S. Constitution in the other.

“I’m a professional who must adhere to a strict ethical code,” Mendacio added, “so I’m not going to use the public forum to question the integrity or honesty of these lying, sniveling, weasel-dicked shitbirds from hell, even though they clearly, richly deserve it due to the impossibly low character they have exhibited since birth.”

Contacted for comment, Buggerahl denied writing anything about Mendacio being a “dago,” but said he otherwise “can’t address any specifics of an ongoing arbitration.”

“For starters, I’ve always strongly preferred the term ‘wop,’ and I don’t recall drawing any unflattering caricatures of Mr. Mendacio. I will tell you this much, though: The sooner this shit is over, the better,” Buggerahl said. “You should see some of the fucking exhibits I’ve had to review as a result of hearing this bullshit. I don’t really want to get into it, but suffice to say until hearing this case, I had no idea it was possible for the human anus to expand to such an alarming extent. I suppose it’s impressive on some level, but frankly, I’d prefer never to witness it again.”

Alleged Los Angeles area attorney Earnest S. Hitter said while the interim ruling and napkin doodles clearly don’t bode well for Mendacio, in a court of law “it’s not over ’til the fat lady sues for intentional infliction of emotional distress over being called fat.”

“I’ve known Tito for years, and the guy’s a fighter,” Hitter said. “True, these days he’s a fighter who generally gets his ass kicked by younger, larger, far more talented fighters, and he probably does owe Jenna Jameson at least a piece of the value of that ridiculous place they bought down on Huntington Beach, but I wouldn’t bet against him in this case — mostly because I don’t have enough money to make book, but also because I think it’s conceivable he’d beat the living shit out of me if he ever found out.”

Informed we were speaking of Tito Mendacio, Esq. and not former UFC light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz, Hitter revised his comments.

“I’ve known Tito for years, and the guy’s a lawyer,” Hitter said. “Enough said, probably, don’t you think?”