By Jusef McDaddy
Special to YNOT

PHILADELPHIA – So, unless you’ve been living under a damn rock, then you probably heard I made a movie a while back which had nothing to do with the “sweet science” of boxing.

The movie was a gay porn video, and if I’m gonna keep it 100 here, I gots to confess I wasn’t exactly up-front about the whole thing at first — meaning initially I said the dude in the video wasn’t me at all, then I said the queers who made the movie slipped me a roofie and tricked me into going gay for pay, and then I think I blamed it on some little green men who make gay porn inside an invisible spaceship they keep parked down by the Race Street pier.

Anyway, as you probably also know by now, all that shit about the roofie, the predatory, corporate-sex-offender-gay-porn company and the butt-pirate aliens was all straight-up bullshit, people.

I’m real sorry I lied like that, but you gotta understand: Being gay, black and a boxer ain’t exactly a combination a lot of people like to hear about, know what I’m saying? Especially all them dudes I beat the fuck out of over the years. Trust me: They ain’t going to like everybody knowing they got knocked the fuck out by a dude who sucks dick in his spare time.

When it comes right down to it, when you’re in the highly socially-respected position of getting paid to beat other men’s brain into big globs of gel, having people find out you also have sex with other men is like admitting you own a bunch of goddam cats and not one motherfucking pit bull; even if it don’t make you a big fucking pussy, that’s sure as shit what everybody’s going to think.

No pun intended here, but let’s get one thing absolutely motherfucking straight: I might have done gay porn and lied about it, and I might have slandered the people who made the movie in a way that’s totally out of line, but push come to shove, I will still beat your fucking ass bloodier than the end of a Quentin Tarantino movie if you even so much as think about stepping to me, bitch.

Yeah, yeah, I know — no way a faggot is going to kick your rough, tough, macho-man ass, right? Wrong, motherfucker.

Please bitch, just take a minute to look at these guns. How you gonna keep flapping your lips once I ram my fist through the back your damn head? And just because you may have seen my ripped abs covered in some other dude’s jizz don’t mean I can’t engage them on command and chamber up a punch that’ll knock the last three teeth left in your redneck fucking grin straight into the canvas.

It’s like I was telling my boy Chad the other day: He might get to tell me hold still and such while he’s sprucing up my fade at the barbershop, but if he ever disrespects me, I will no doubt show that hairstylist bitch the back of my hand — and I don’t mean while I’m jerking him off.

You know what else bothers me? Everybody talking about how I was in this gay porn movie, but nobody talking about how damn good I looked in it. I mean, shit, with other gay dudes, half the time people are asking them for fashion advice or about which wine pairs well with coq au vin, but when it come to Jusef, all anybody talking about is whether that’s really my ass with a dick in it.

I know some of it is just the haters, all the people who never gonna give me credit for anything, whether it’s my 31 career wins (17 by knockout, motherfucker) or the flexibility it takes to hold my legs up behind my head to allow for truly deep, penetrating strokes from my homoerotic sparring partners.

At the end of the day, I can’t take back the lies, just like I can’t take back the decision to get naked on camera for more than just the weigh-in.

What I can do (and will do, motherfuckers) is kick your ass if you look at me funny.

So, if you’re gonna be in Philly any time soon, if you see me, be sure you keep a civil tongue in your damn head motherfucker, or I might just pull it the fuck out your mouth and wipe my balls with it right in front of your ugly fucking kids.

Believe, motherfuckers.

Jusef McDaddy is a former professional boxer and very occasional gay porn performer.