SEATTLE, WA — With all the brouhaha around whether Seattle strip clubs should be banished to the far reaches of the city due to their presumed secondary function as an expressway to hell, it seems a little matter of coffee has slipped the notice of the city’s moral orals.According to the Seattle Times, coffee shop competition has really been heating up. Or maybe it’s just the hot barista chicks handling the cream and sprinkles.

The paper focused on the sassy service being provided by Candice Law of Cowgirls Espresso in Tukwila, where the ex-Hooters waitress greets groggy commuters wearing a baby-doll nightie and matching panties. While perhaps not the best form of protection for magma hot coffee spills, Law reports that she’s making better tips now than she did while wearing the tight tee and hot pants associated with her previous employer. And why not?

Apparently Law isn’t the only one adding a little visual hot sauce to her coffee recipe these days. The Times continues by pointing out that other commuter coffee stands are adding flirtation and sensual attire to their drive-thru services.

As the newspaper explains it, Port Orchard caffeine junkies can ogle baristas in barely there hot-pink hot pants and snug white tank tops at Natté Latté, while Auburn espresso connoisseurs can remember the date by following the Moka Girls Espresso wardrobe, which has a “day-of-the-week” clothing theme that runs from lingerie to fetish. Perhaps they can have a coffee klatch runway competition with the nearby Cowgirls Espresso hotties? Most daring ensembles may well be worn by the caffeinated drink pimps at Café Lorraine in Woodinville, however, since they sport bikini tops. In the Pacific Northwest, that’s a commitment to excellence!

Barbara Record, owner of Bikini Espresso in Renton told the Times that “In this area, we all know how to make good coffee.” The question then becomes how to entice customers into one particular drive-thru when there are so many to choose from. In her opinion, sex sells. “It’s just, how far do you want to go?”

Wayne Hembree discovered that the sweet young things who woman his Kenmore, WA Best Friend nearly full-length drive-thru window make better tips when they wear something short, like a “classy” school girl or secretary outfit complete with mini skirt and high heels.

For those fretting about the apparent sexism being promoted by a product as ostensibly innocent and sex-neutral as a cup of coffee, shop owners explain that competition for space and customers is fierce, thanks in part to companies nabbing prime retail space and the state’s coffee giant, Starbucks. Although the latter is exploring drive-thru options, representatives did not indicate that baristas would be joining the less is more trend.

Customers, on the other hand, seem to love seeing more of their favorite coffee shop employees. “If I’m going to pay four dollars for a cup of coffee,” one fellow explained to the Seattle Times, I’m not going to get served by a guy.”

Not everybody digs the new age of “sexpresso,” however. Wendy Marshall owns the Chalet Cadeau gift shop near Best Friend — and she’s not happy about the traffic congestion or what she sees as a business driving her own customers away. Marshall’s husband, Jeff, describes the situation as “disgusting,” adding that in their opinion, “It’s an undesirable business from a community that’s trying to sell itself as a family-friendly community.”

The Marshalls have made sure that local authorities know precisely how unhappy they are about the pretty girls in the window at Best Friend, but Kenmore City Manager Steve Anderson says there’s nothing illegal brewing at the drive-thru. “We’ve heard of issues and we’ve had undercover investigations, police surveillance, and it resulted in nothing.”

Meanwhile, Law spends her time dreaming up clever new themes to employ within the walls and windows of her cow-spotted coffee stand. “I like the idea of Saran Wrap Saturday,” she confessed to the Times. “Now they’ve got those colored Saran Wraps. Dude, they could totally make a cute outfit.”

Since strip-club zoning madness seems unlikely to save the good citizens of Seattle and its surrounding cities, perhaps a six-foot and no-direct tipping law will reassure the nervous that there’s not any extra cream in the morning cup o’ Joe.