By Peter Berton

HERMIKER, NY – A covert attempt to film a human-cow encounter went horribly wrong, leaving a cow dead, three cars smashed, a TV news crew holding incriminating evidence and two human male suspects — one covered in Jello — arrested.

The twisted saga began when a dairy farmer called police after the security cameras in his barn captured a man sexually assaulting his cattle. A news team at WTNH in New Haven, Conn., intercepted a police radio transmission about the crime and raced to the farm, hoping to catch the perps in action. According to reporter Bob Wilson, he and his cameraman got their wish.

“When we arrived, one of the men was having sex with the cow,” Wilson said during a broadcast from the farm. “A friend who was videotaping the act took off as soon as he saw us arrive. Now, we can’t show you that video, because the man was naked and covered in Jello.

“You can’t make a story like this up,” he added.

Authorities arrested Reid A. Fontaine, a 31-year-old IT network specialist for the Farmington, NY, school district, and videographer Michael H. Jones, 35. Both were charged with sexual misconduct, then released on bond to await court dates.

Sadly, the traumatized cow left the scene and ran onto a nearby highway, where the animal was struck by three vehicles. Two of the drivers were rushed to the hospital; all three vehicles were totaled. The unfortunate cow died on the highway.

Fontaine left his job with the Farmington schools after his arrest.

“The former employee did not provide instruction to students, nor did he have responsibilities involving direct student contact,” Superintendent Kathleen C. Greider assured the public in a formal statement. “As IT network specialist, his job involved the maintenance of the district’s technology infrastructure and hardware.”

Farmington police checked to see whether other farmers experienced similar cow assaults. According to Lt. Colin Ryan, none have.