By Rev. James Dandy
Special to YNOT

BEAVER VALLEY, Ariz. – Friends, you’ve probably heard all kinds of lies about how Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRAs) in great, freedom-loving states like Indiana, Georgia, New Mexico and elsewhere are all about “homophobes” looking for legal cover to continue discriminating against homosexuals.

With God as my witness, I tell you nothing could be further from The Truth.

The Truth is good, Christian, family-oriented men like myself would never condone discriminating against anyone, no matter how much and how clearly the Lord despises their debased and debauched lifestyle choices.

The necessary and proper legal purpose of an RFRA is simply to protect the religious freedoms of everyone, whether they be Southern Baptists or some other (admittedly lesser) manner of Christian.

Yes, one crucial element of this religious freedom is the absolute, God-given, Constitutionally guaranteed right for clearly devout Christians to cherry-pick passages from the Bible in order to avoid having to make wedding cakes for faggots and dykes. It does not follow, however, the sole purpose of an RFRA is to provide a legal mechanism for state-sanctioned discrimination against sinful homos and demon-possessed queers.

I’ve also heard some folks suggest RFRAs could be cited by radical Muslims to justify not removing the bath towels from their heads when they get their driver’s license pictures taken. Obviously, this notion is patently absurd, as we all know it will be a cold day in Hell when the Judeo-Christian U.S.A. starts issuing drivers licenses to overt Mohammedans.

Just as it is oppressive and clearly limiting on my religious freedom to be forced to pay to use the same internet infrastructure polluted by pornographers, Catholics and Ariana Huffington, I think all reasonable people can easily agree my wife shouldn’t be forced to share a restroom with anyone whose name used to be Bruce.

This is what religious freedom is all about, after all: Guaranteeing the comfort and security of people of faith by making sure transsexuals have no access to public restrooms.

There’s abundant scriptural support for this wise public policy proscription, as well. As 1 Peter 2:18 clearly states: “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the unjust.”

Now, some folks will tell you the above passage has nothing to do with Brazilian shemales trying to use stalls in the ladies’ room as pretext to gain access to potential sexual assault victims, but these are the same people who claim God hates human consumption of shellfish as much as he hates queers. And as an ordained minister, I can tell you these people don’t know what the Hell they’re talking about.

What this passage from 1 Peter means, unambiguously, is as stewards of the Great Christian Nation established by our Founding Fathers (not one of whom ever retroactively became a Founding Mother, it should be noted), it is not just our right, but our solemn duty to keep the American masses in line morally, ethically, spiritually and legally.

Simply put, those of us in whom the legacy of the Founders has been vested (namely, white men over age 35 who own property, cherish freedom and only have sex for the purposes of procreation) are the “masters” referenced in 1 Peter, while everybody else is a “servant.”

This probably seems unfair, especially to those of you who don’t happen to be one of us, but what can I say? This is how the Founders clearly wanted things to work. It sucks to be not-me, I guess.

I do have one complaint concerning the RFRAs I’ve read, though: They’re just not clear enough concerning the unquestioned primacy of Christianity in America. Some are so “neutral” (meaning politically correct) when it comes to the question of which is the One True Faith, you can actually read them to mean some peyote-eating Native American shaman should enjoy the same protections afforded to people like me — meaning those who clearly are right about the nature and character of The One True God.

Look folks, if there’s one thing God makes pretty clear in the Bible, it’s His feelings toward other faiths. Take Exodus 20:2-6, for example:

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me… You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

Last time I checked, there was no commandment saying “Psych! Me and Allah are totally the same God” or “Thou shalt let a reality-TV transsexual piss in the ladies room” or “On second thought, I’m totally fine with them homos.” As such, I think it’s safe to say the Lord is both thoroughly Christian and totally on my side in this debate.

Some of my fellow Christians who live outside states with a proper RFRA on the books are in despair over the current state of the world, and for good reason: Every time they turn around, it seems, some porn-addicted illegal alien wearing a dress is trying to rape their wives and/or daughters in a restroom!

The answer to this problem, to every problem facing this great nation, is quite simple: We must recommit to our fear of God. Honestly, this shouldn’t be too tough, seeing as how He has pretty clearly threatened to punish our children for at least four generations out if we don’t do what He says.

So, to sum up: America is a free nation precisely because it is a Christian nation, not despite this fact. In a truly free nation, nobody should be forced to make a cake for anybody of whom they don’t approve — unless they’re refusing to do so because the prospective customer in question is a handicapped African-American. I have yet to find any scripture suggesting God hates those.

Reverend James Dandy is the founder of the Second Baptist Church of Beaver Valley in Beaver Valley, Arizona.