LOS ANGELES – Over the weekend, I read an article on The Daily Beast that dubbed hologram porn to be “the most realistic sex imaginable.” Frankly, I find the proposition rather dubious.

Granted, as I’ve never fucked a hologram, I can’t speak from personal experience when it comes to the realism of such an encounter.

I have, however, fucked quite a number of human beings, and I must say it always seemed pretty realistic — except the one time my girlfriend and I were high on mushrooms and instead of having an orgasm when we reached climax, I threw up all over her and our beach towel, then ran around in a figure-eight pattern screaming “God I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, shit I’m so fucking sorry!”

At any rate, my understanding of holograms (which I concede to be shallow) suggests to me no matter how meticulously modeled and high-definition a hologram might be, I can’t actually, physically put my penis in it.

Sure, developers can link the motion of a hyper-realistic hologram to some sort of haptic device that will mechanically tug at my dick, perhaps even fondle my balls in some vaguely human-like gesture — but I wanted to be unceremoniously jerked off by a machine, I’d just go to a farm somewhere and stick my dick in the holes.

To be fair, if anyone can give us a fuckable hologram which is even more realistic than a fuckable human being, it really ought to be “the man who brought adult entertainment to the internet in the ’90s”: Utherverse founder Brian Shuster. Given his web-porn pioneering, I can only surmise he is the richest man in all of internet smuttery — or, at the very least, the richest man ever to wear prosthetic devil’s horns while sitting on a discussion panel at an adult internet trade show. (Seriously — that actually happened.)

Still, consider what Shuster is up against as he attempts to unseat actual sex as “the most realistic form of sex possible.” He not only has to overcome literally thousands of years of people fucking the people they’re supposed to be fucking (and in some cases, growing pretty fond of the practice along the way), but he also has to overcome things like prostitution, people getting blown in VIP rooms at nightclubs and random strangers fucking each other in the bathrooms at public parks.

Speaking of fucking in public parks… The other hard-to-replicate thing about actual sex, no matter how sophisticated your software, is the amazing variety of settings, locations, contexts and situations in which actual sex occurs.

Just in my own short and admittedly sexually bland life, for example, I’ve had sex in cars, movie theaters, churches, holding cells, motel utility closets and even my parents’ bed. Let’s face it: Shuster is never going to be able to somehow digitize every parent’s bed. That’s just not sustainable as a business proposition or, lacking the express consent of the bed-owners, practicable as a legal one.

Then there’s the variation in the physical and psychological traits of human beings, all of which need to be flexible enough to appear in the aforementioned variety of settings in order to mimic the sexual proclivities of human beings.

Suppose, for example, I meet a holographic little person of Native American heritage at a virtual party in Switzerland and we have sex in our host’s expertly rendered 3D kitchen. Then the next week, we want to do the deed on a bed shaped like Yankee Stadium that has been placed riverside in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Anything less than the two of us holo-boning in a perfect facsimile of one of the world’s greatest natural wonders is going to feel like a serious cyber-letdown.

Can VR porn really make this happen in such a tight time frame, or am I going to be stuck building my own stadium-bed and pretending the kiddie pool in the backyard is the Colorado River, then sticking my dick in a haptic pussy while watching a wee little 3D lady bounce around on my lap as depicted within my OctoRific Goggles, or whatever they’re called? Sadly, I suspect the latter would be my only option.

Another thing Shuster has to keep in mind is real sex isn’t limited to having sex with other humans, or even with other sentient beings.

Make no mistake, I’ve had some very real sex with various household objects in the past. The proof is right there in the X-rays they took at urgent care. At the very least, the immersive, open-universe, holographic 3D environments created by VR porn developers need to come equipped with light bulbs, broomsticks, cucumbers, raw hamburger and life-size cardboard cutouts of CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.

Finally (and arguably most importantly), there’s the question of post-sex conversation. This is one area in which I think Shuster and his team might not want to get too realistic, when you think about it.

After all, right after I’ve finished busting a nut all over the seven-eyed face and enormous, octagonal crystalline breasts of a massive, 3D alien sex-walrus, the very last thing I want to hear are the words “What are you thinking right now?” or “When do I finally get to meet your parents?”