LIMBO – Following my recent interview with Bruce, the Demon Lord of Porn, I was on my way back to the earthly realm when my subterranean taxi driver rower suggested it might be interesting for me to make a quick pit stop at Hell’s edge, in a relatively quiet suburb known as the Limbo of the Patriarchs, to conduct an interview with someone named “Creb.”

Creb, my Satanic sherpa informed me, is a one-time earthly caveman who is credited by Hell’s sin-accounting department as the human world’s first pornographer.

Obviously, opportunities like this are very rare in a journalist’s career (no matter how often he does acid), so I eagerly agreed and asked for directions to Creb’s crib.

As Creb is a deceased caveman from an era predating recorded history, I was concerned there might be something of a language barrier to conquer. As I soon learned, though, certain classes of demons, like their angelic counterparts in Heaven, are empowered to bestow upon their subject souls the “gift of tongues.”

Thus graced with a means of communication, Creb the proto-pornographer was able to converse with me in English which, though far from perfect, was still more decipherable than that of the average televised sports announcer.

YNOT: Thanks for taking the time to speak to me today, Creb.

Creb: Dude, are you kidding? I’m in fucking Limbo. Do you have any idea how boring it is here? I’ll talk to anyone just to break the monotony. Shit, I’d even talk to Geraldo.

Damn, you are desperate.

You think that’s bad? Ask me about the last time I had sex! I’ll give you a hint, I wasn’t the ‘pitcher,’ and things with big, flaming metal barbs on them really shouldn’t be put inside someone’s anus, even if they’re dead and no longer corporeal.

Duly noted. Tell me a little about your professional life. How did you get started in porn?

Obviously there wasn’t a porn industry back then, or cameras, or film, or studios, or red couches … or even porn stars, come to think of it. So, I just grabbed a lump of this black crap I found sitting in the dirt and started drawing stuff on the wall of my parents’ cave.

What was depicted in the first sexually explicit picture?

My own dick. Granted, I took some liberties in terms of the length and girth, but the drawing was generally, more or less, modeled on my cock.

What was the critical reception like?

My mother threw a partial deer carcass at me, pointed toward the opening of the cave and yelled “Gwarrah nib gwarrahoho nak!”

How does that translate into English?

It doesn’t, really — not literally at least. I’d say it lands somewhere between “Oi vey, I have no son!” and “All those years I spent raising you, feeding you, teaching you how to be a proper, decent caveboy, and this is how you thank me, drawing a penis on the kitchen wall?”

So your mother did not support your career choice.

No, not at all. It was very hurtful, especially the time she tried to brain me with a big, pointed stone in response to my first attempt at drawing double-penetration.

You were even drawing DP? For some reason, I assumed DP was a later discovery, maybe more Mesolithic than Paleolithic.

Why? Women have always had two holes down there, you know.

Sure, but… I don’t know, as sex acts go, that one just seems pretty “advanced,” for lack of a better term.

Oh, I see. You think we weren’t “sophisticated” enough back then to double-plug a cave slut, like it’s something hard to do or requires Euclidian geometry to achieve.

Sorry. No offense intended. Please forgive my abject ignorance of prehistoric cave sex.

Yeah, yeah. No big deal, I guess. How do you figure we could make dildos, but then be unable to figure out all the places into which they could be stuck? We were curious, just like you guys. Shit, we put our dicks in every hole we could find — which, admittedly, kinda sucked when the hole turned out to have serpents in it, but this was fairly rare.

Not to change the subject, but what’s your opinion of modern porn? I assume you guys have WiFi here in Limbo, right?

Nah no WiFi, but we use inter-dimensional portals to watch over the shoulders of you humans as you view porn, which works out pretty well.

No shit?

Yep. You know the crushing guilt you feel right after you cum? That’s actually the feeling of a soul in Limbo expressing its disappointment in the show being over.

Good to know, I guess. Anyway, what do you think of modern porn?

Obviously the technology of your time is far superior to what I had to work with, but I think porn has lost some of its vitality, originality and soul somewhere in the transition from coal on cave walls to digital pixels on tablets.

So, ironically, even though we’re able to show actual humans engaged in actual sex, it’s somehow further removed from the real thing than your ancient paintings?

Yeah, I’d say so. That, and there’s way, way too much spitting in porn these nowadays. That shit’s not sexy or alluring. It just makes me feel like I’m watching the happenings inside some very strange (and naked) dentist’s office.

How about genres. Do you have a favorite niche?

I’m all about hirsute videos. Frankly the people of your time are so hairless it’s just gross and totally unnatural. What the fuck happened to women’s tails, by the way? Are you sickos cutting them off at birth, as so many of you do with foreskins?

Wait, the women of your time had tails?

Hell yeah, man! Well…. I sure hope those were tails, anyway.

What else could they have been?

We did have cave-transsexuals back then and all, but it’s really hard to pull off the “tuck” maneuver when all you’re wearing is a loincloth, know what I mean? I’m pretty sure I would have been able to immediately tell the difference between a flexible, prehensile tail and a penis, anyway, even a flaccid one.

Does it really matter now, thousands of years later, sitting here in Limbo?

Duh. Of course! What was I thinking? If those things hadn’t been tails, I’d be next door in Hell right now!