SECOND CIRCLE, Hell – Like just about everything else in life, the porn industry is run by a shadowy figure about whom very little is known, a prurient puppet master who uses sexually explicit materials to dominate, manipulate and ultimately disintegrate the minds of all those who consume the filth.

Today, I’ve traveled to Hell’s Second Circle, the home of lust, for an exclusive interview with the Demon Lord of Porn. I’ve recently learned he prefers to be called “Bruce.”

YNOT: Thank you for taking the time to speak to me today, Lord Bruce.

Bruce: My pleasure — and please, just call me Bruce. There’s no need for formalities here. Would you care for a bite of molten Ox penis?

Uh, no I’m good, thanks. My first question is the big one: Why try to destroy the world with porn? Wouldn’t nuclear weapons be more efficient?

Well, if all I wanted was to kill everybody in a horrible, painful way, then yes, nukes would be a lot faster — but that’s not my goal. It’s not enough simply to kill people; I must also drive them away from God and ruin the essence of their eternal souls. I’m not all that familiar with radioactivity, but I’m pretty sure it can’t do all that.

So, wait… All the stuff we’ve been told about God, Hell, sin and all that is true?

Not entirely, no. For instance, I don’t care if you’re David fucking Blaine, there’s no way to turn one fish into enough fish to feed multitudes of people. It’s just not going to happen. On the other hand, talking bushes do exist. It’s my understanding one of them just suspended his campaign for the republican presidential nomination, in fact.

Right; good point. Anyway, back to your plan to destroy the world and every living soul with porn. Are all these anti-pornography crusades doing anything to blunt the progress of your nefarious machinations?

Not at all. In fact, I’m the one behind all the anti-porn campaigns, too.

Really? That doesn’t make much sense, why would—

Just think about it: Who are the people typically involved in those movements?

Well, it varies, but it’s usually either coming from a Christian perspective or a left-wing feminist angle.

Exactly. Everybody finds both groups so obnoxious and insufferable that pitting them against porn actually drives others to watch the stuff even more. It’s an act of unconscious defiance against all these preachy dweebs and self-righteous bitches they can’t stand. The more the activists complain, the more porn gets watched.

Damn. I’d never thought about it that way.

Oh yeah, it’s fucking beautiful, man. I might have to convince vegans to start protesting porn, too, just to ramp up things up a bit.

Is this a common approach among you Hell-bound demons?

No doubt. I can’t take credit for innovating the technique, though. Joe from the Ninth Circle came up with it eons ago as part of inspiring Americans to overturn the Eighteenth Amendment.

Let’s talk about your personal porn tastes. What’s your favorite genre?

I’m partial to legit, hardcore gay porn, naturally. Not the gay-for-pay stuff — the real deal.

Do watch any straight porn at all?

That depends. Do you consider pegging straight porn?

Somehow, I feel like I shouldn’t answer that question. Either way, I’ll to end up in one of the innumerable torture chambers here until the end of time, possibly being perpetually ass-fucked with a strap-on worn by Phyllis Schlafly.

Nah, no worries there. Phyllis is currently on a mission she was given by Ted in the Fifth Circle, who is trying to get baseball fans riled up in the hopes they’ll beat Mark Teixeira to death with those little novelty bats they give out on Bat Night.

No shit?

No shit. Ted’s a big Red Sox fan.

What’s your favorite team?

Is this part of the porn interview? Are you wondering why thinking about baseball works when trying to hold off on cumming?

No, just curious. For some reason, I didn’t figure you guys would be sports fans down here.

We’re here literally forever, so we have a lot of time on our hands. A lot of blood on them, too, but I suppose that’s to be expected. I don’t go for baseball, though. My favorite team is the Patriots, mostly because I can really relate to Aaron Hernandez — especially when it comes to our favorite hobbies, like murder.

Right. That makes sense. But back to porn: You really don’t watch any straight porn other than pegging stuff, if indeed that counts as straight?

Consider the fact I’ve been here a very, very long time. Over time, a demon gets a little tired of the same old same-old. Know what I mean? Like, when it first came out, I was all about the Kama Sutra, but after several centuries, shit just gets old. A couple millennia of watching cocks enter pussies and girl-butts, and I guess I was just ready for a change.

How about this new trend of “feminist porn,” or porn for women? I assume you’re behind that, as well?

No! Absolutely not. Feminist porn is a scourge that must be stopped.

Really? How so?

If you watch that crap, it almost seems like the women in it might be enjoying themselves. I may be a demon — you know, an emissary of Satan and all that — but even I know women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex … unless they enjoy being called a filthy whore as semen rains down on them like confetti at the Super Bowl. Then they’re taking joy from their own shame and degradation, and a demon can always get behind that kind of action.

You’re a very complicated guy, Bruce. What’s next on your demonic porn agenda?

If we can find an activist judge to say the City of Dallas can’t prevent eXXXotica Expo from holding its show there, I was thinking of having the earth open up right inside the Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center and swallow alive all who stand nearby.

Wow! That would be quite the spectacle.

Yeah … come to think of it, I might actually save that for next year’s AVN Awards. eXXXotica is kinda podunk to be pulling out the big guns.

Thanks again for taking the time to talk to me today. What’s the best way back to the surface world and the land of the living from here, by the way?

Take the Charon ferry across the Acheron, then take the AC/DC Parkway North to the Persephone Toll Bridge. If they give you any trouble at the gates, just tell ’em Bruce sent you. Oh, and definitely don’t take the “beware of dog” signs lightly. That three-headed Doberman is one mean motherfucker.