By Abigail Cuthbert
Guest Editorial

RAY CITY, Ga. – Flesh merchants, cyber pimps and internet smut peddlers of all stripes, may I have your attention please? The following open letter is part warning, part prophecy and part declaration of war.

My name is Abigail Cuthbert, and I’m co-founder and President of the Ray City, Georgia, chapter of the National Unitarian Temple for Justice, Optimism and Brotherhood (NUTJOB). You probably haven’t heard of our organization, because we’re just getting started. Trust me, though: Soon the very mention of our name will make you tremble with fear and awe.

As you well know, your industry is rapidly corrupting and laying waste not only to America, but to the entire world at large. I know this because I’m an avid reader of real news sources[FONT=Arial]—[/FONT]media outlets that Fear God and Speak The Truth like Deseret News, The Ecumenical News and, of course, the best source of good news ever published, the Holy Bible.

As you probably don’t know, because you’re all filthy heathens who care not about the ruin of sin, the Bible makes it abundantly clear looking at porn is all kinds of wrong in the eyes of The Lord. He’s not kidding around about this, either. Just look at what He says in Leviticus 18:6 through 18:23:

[QUOTE]None of you shall approach any one of his close relatives to uncover nakedness. I am the Lord. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father, which is the nakedness of your mother; she is your mother, you shall not uncover her nakedness. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father’s wife; it is your father’s nakedness. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your sister, your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether brought up in the family or in another home. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your son’s daughter or of your daughter’s daughter, for their nakedness is your own nakedness.[/QUOTE]

Clearly, that’s a whole lot of nakedness you are not to uncover. Now, I know what some of you sickos are thinking: There’s nothing in the above passage that says anything about not uncovering your neighbor’s daughter’s nakedness, which is more analogous to porn than is sneaking a peek at your sister while she’s getting dressed.

You think this way primarily because you pornographers have spent far too much time around another manner of Satan’s hand servants here on Earth[FONT=Arial]—[/FONT]that despicable subculture known as “lawyers”[FONT=Arial]—[/FONT]and these master manipulators have taught you to believe if a law makes no mention of prohibiting something, then the something at issue is OK under the law.

Lawyers don’t know the first thing about reading scripture, however, which is nothing at all like reading statutory law. Proper interpretation of scripture necessarily involves extension by analogy and metaphor, such that scripture can be updated to account for new sins.

Just as America’s Founding Fathers could not have imagined the invention of internet porn and thereby did not have the foresight to make clear the protections of the First Amendment do not apply to sexually explicit materials, God Himself could not have anticipated the depths of depravity to which modern humans (and Californians, in particular) would stoop.

In other words, He would have told you in Leviticus not to uncover the nakedness of total strangers, too, but even He couldn’t imagine you would ever use your God-given eyes for such a nefarious purpose.

You might be wondering why I would choose now to start the NUTJOB campaign. After all, I’ve been a Christian my whole life and anti-porn my whole life, so why now?

For me, the final straw came just a few weeks back while I was whipping up one of my famous peach pies on a Saturday afternoon. My husband had left ESPN playing on the TV, and they were talking about the new college football playoff happening this year for the first time.

Now, I’ve never paid much attention to sports, but I do know Jesus loves football (and absolutely hated the old FBS selection criteria), so I stopped what I was doing for a second to listen to what I heard coming from the set in the next room.

To my utter shock and absolute horror, I learned just how deep and profound the “pornification” of American culture has become. It was then I learned this year will feature a bestiality-themed bowl game.

Even as I typed those words, it still didn’t seem possible…. But how else am I to explain a gridiron confrontation between the “Ducks” of Oregon and the “Semen Holes” of Florida State University?

I’ve heard they’re even going to have a parade before the game, for Heaven’s sake, and put the whole thing on national television as some sort of bacchanalian New Year’s celebration. No doubt the parade floats will be festooned with marital aids and the Grand Marshall will be charged with the responsibility of distributing gay porn to all the children in attendance, all under the approving auspices of the man I assume to be the prurient parade’s sponsor, Larry Flynt.

While I know it’s too late now to stop the obscene and depraved spectacle the 2015 Rose Bowl will be from taking place, if we act now I’m confident NUTJOB can at least prevent the game’s logo from being made into a depiction of rectal prolapse, and hopefully persuade Florida State University to change their mascot to something less offensive, as well. (How about the “Redskins?”)

Make no mistake: The real focus of NUTJOB will always be taking down the porn industry.

First, we’re going to shut you out of the WiFi networks at Starbucks and McDonalds, and after that presumably crippling blow, we’re going to move in for the kill by eliminating pornography offered on VHS from all remaining rural-area Blockbuster locations across the country.

By the time NUTJOB’s work is done, the only way you’ll be able to get porn is by buying it on the black market. (Honestly, I don’t know too much about the black market. I assume it’s a Baltimore-based retailer of some sort.)

Anyway, porn industry, hereby you have been warned.

From now on, you’d better watch your back, because you’ll just never know when NUTJOB is lurking behind you, waiting to exuberantly thrust the Sword of the Lord directly into your backside.