GREENSBORO, N.C. – If you’re a regular reader of YNOT WTF!, then you already know porn is a poisonous, Ebola-infected, sniper/spider/vampire and a gateway to demonic possession, one which hijacks male minds and is the prime suspect in a Bay Area murder in which the victim was love itself.

Ever the elusive and devious villain, porn continues to evade capture and stymie law enforcement while adding new targets to its pitiless erotic hit list. The porn scourge’s latest victim is, incredibly, the church.

Yes, as hard as it might be for some people to believe (those who have been hypnotized by a vampire, in particular), porn is now killing churches and/or the people inside them. As evangelist Josh McDowell recently revealed, “pervasive Internet pornography…. is just killing us in the church.”

“Most people don’t realize what’s happening with pornography,” McDowell said. “Basically there’s two types of men in the evangelical church: those that watch pornography and those that lie.”

While McDowell didn’t specify which type of man he is, if we’re to assume he isn’t lying, the only other explanation his dichotomous axiom offers to us is the inexorable conclusion he watches porn — which also explains, I suppose, how he knows so much about “what’s happening” with it.

Suspending for the moment the troubling question about whether this fact-set suggests McDowell himself is one of porn’s accomplices in its ongoing murder spree aimed at evangelical Christians, there’s no question the statistics he cites are disconcerting.

“At least 78.8 percent of all men that attend evangelical churches watch pornography,” according to McDowell. “Probably 80 percent of all evangelical youth pastors also watch pornography, and now, the greatest increase is among women and young ladies. It’s killing us.”

One can immediately see why (assuming he’s not aiding and abetting porn in all of this) McDowell is so concerned: With 100 percent of men in his church watching something that is killing them and/or lying about doing so, soon McDowell will be left with a pretty paltry congregation. On the bright side, at least McDowell will know the survivors weren’t previously lying about not watching porn, or they’d be dead.

At the same time, if all men in his congregation are watching the killer porn, this also means McDowell’s congregation will soon be 100-percent female — which, come to think of it, could be his motive for helping porn slaughter all his male parishioners — if he is aiding and abetting the porn vampire/sniper/spider/church arsonist/whatever.

At any rate, all of this is even more alarming because porn appears to be following a lot of people home from church on Sunday, with an obvious eye on killing them in their living rooms — but only after causing them to get divorced, first. As McDowell explained, “64 percent of all Christian families have an acute problem with pornography” and “67 percent of all divorces now are directly related to pornography.”

These facts are terrible, of course, but at least watching porn doesn’t give you chlamydia, which certain other common causes of divorce, like infidelity, “lack of preparation” and highly promiscuous IHOP waitresses, occasionally do.

Without a doubt, the single most terrifying facet of killer porn, at least according to McDowell, is the sheer scale of this modern, murderous scourge.

“Just take one [porn] site — it’s not even the top five sites — just one of them in the last 30 days has produced and transferred data of 29 petabytes,” McDowell said. “In other words, one web site out of 26 million in the last 30 days has produced pornography that would fill 540 million four-drawer file cabinets, or would fill 29 Empire State Buildings.”

Think about this for a second, people: Somewhere out there, 29 Empire State buildings worth of killer porn are stalking the countryside like some sort of kinky, digital, multinational Godzilla, simply itching (and burning) to make your spouse leave you, hijack your brain, suck out your blood, ruin your credit rating, set fire to your church and then murder you — most likely by shooting you right in the genitals, using a sniper rifle loaded with Ebola-laced bullets.

This much is clear: To avoid porn, one should also steer clear of churches.

“There are pastors who sit in their office and surf the net for pornography, then walk across the hallway and give leadership for our kids,” McDowell said. “Our deacons, our elders, our leaders come to church and they lead worship, then they go home and often until midnight, or one in the morning, will surf the internet for pornography. These are our leaders.”

OK, that sinks it. If I ever find myself somehow dragged to an evangelical church, there’s no way I’m going inside unless I’m strapped like Ted Nugent, accompanied by bodyguards armed with silver bullets and wooden stakes, and wearing a hazmat suit covered in garlic cloves.