By Q. Boyer

YNOT – In light of the The Family Leader’s “Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMiLY” [sic] pledge that reportedly has been signed by presidential candidates Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, I have prepared the following “counter-pledge,” which I think we can all agree is more appropriate — and more realistic — for the modern American politician.

[CENTER]The Pink Visual Pledge for Public Officials, Politicians and Other Manner of Socio-Cultural Parasites[/CENTER]

The undersigned hereby aver the following:

Should I have the honor of serving the American people in any elected, nominated or appointed capacity, I hereby vow to conduct myself with honor, integrity and forthrightness, in word and deed, as follows:

• I vow that if at any time I tweet pictures of my penis to Twitter followers, intentionally or otherwise, I will admit to my actions immediately and not waste the American public’s time with fanciful claims that my account has been hacked, or other similar forms of pungent bovine excrement.
• I hereby aver that if I divorce my wife on her deathbed, I subsequently will surrender any claim to being a “family values candidate.”
• I hereby promise that if I have sex with one of my interns, he or she will be at least vaguely attractive — if not physically, then in terms of his or her personality.
• I swear that if I am caught soliciting anonymous gay sex in an airport bathroom, I will come out of the freakin’ closet already and stop insulting the collective intelligence of all living creatures by spouting inane comments like “I have never lived the gay lifestyle.”
• I hereby pledge that if it comes to light that I have been sending sexually explicit messages to teenagers, I will take responsibility for my actions, and not place blame for my reprehensible behavior on an addiction to alcohol, oxycodone, pornography or the Disney Channel.
• I hereby vow that if it is revealed that I have been frequenting prostitutes, I will not force my spouse to accompany me to the press conference at which I issue my pathetic, tearful public mea culpa.
• Should I ever disappear for a week while cavorting around Argentina with a secret lover, I promise I will simply stay “missing” rather than come back and hold a rambling, humiliating mess of a press conference.

In addition to the above I, the undersigned, do hereby vow to lighten the hell up where the sexual misadventures of my fellow human beings are concerned, and not treat the squalid details of my peers’ sex scandals as though those scandals are The End of the World as We Know It, so that the legislative/administrative/professional body of which I am a part may focus on getting some actual work done for a change.

Even though the plaque on Q. Boyer’s desk calls him the director of public relations for adult brand Pink Visual, he prefers the title Minister of Sarcasm.