WASHINGTON – Couched deep in the language of H.R. 2029, the omnibus funding bill for fiscal year 2016 currently under consideration by the U.S. House of Representatives, lurks language designed to prevent federal employees from watching porn while on the clock.

The verbiage in question reads as follows: “None of the funds made available in this Act may be used to maintain or establish a computer network unless such network blocks the viewing, downloading, and exchanging of pornography.”

In a letter dated March 17, however, Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC) noted the language doesn’t apply universally across the federal government, making exceptions for some of the very agencies that have been the subject of embarrassing headlines regarding porn viewing by their employees.

“We applaud you for including this funding restriction for many parts of the government,” Jones wrote. “However, we are deeply troubled that it was not included for all the federal government. In particular, it was not included for several agencies, including the EPA, the SEC and the Department of the Interior, which have been the subject of high profile media stories about their employees surfing porn at work.”

To give further perspective on this important and timely issue, we’ve asked two respected analysts and regular contributors to discuss the pros and cons of mandatory internet filtering by government agencies, in an exclusive new recurring YNOT feature called “Pitch and Catch.”

Today, the pro-filtration side is represented by Prudence Beecher, a devout Christian, mother of seven, canning expert and anti-pornography activist from Anniston, Alabama, while the anti-filtration side of the debate will be handled by Peter Wheelan, a men’s rights activist, founder of the website VoxHominibus and author of male-empowerment guides, who hails from Queens, New York.

The Case for Filtration: Can’t They Just Waste Time on Facebook, Like Normal People?

By Prudence Beecher

Every time I think about governmental waste, the definition of which is all money not spent on our military, crucial national infrastructure and promoting Christian values in our nation’s schools, I get so mad I could almost curse out loud — except I have Jesus in my heart and His love just won’t let me stoop to the level of a common progressive thug.

I get especially outraged when I think about some bloated bureaucrat reclined in his office chair, doing unspeakable things with his genitalia while watching internet porn, when he’s supposed to be doing something really important, like solving national security problems or making sure our nation’s banks and other important business interests get all the support they need from Congress or… Well, whatever it is the EPA is supposed to be doing, aside from producing slick, Hollywood-style propaganda in which they try to poison our kids’ minds such that they come to value some dumb endangered owl or rare breed of bloodsucking tick over the lives, jobs and general wellbeing of real Americans.

While I firmly believe most federal governmental agencies ought to be eradicated entirely (especially the exploitative IRS, the corrupt Dept. of Education and the fascistic Census Bureau), until we do get rid of them, we can’t have their employees getting paid to commit the sin of onanism.

This country was founded on a solid bedrock of Judeo-Christian values, but many Americans have lost their way, thanks in large part to the fact they’ve replaced God in their lives with the false idols of pornography, like the one aging fat man with the bushy mustache whose ugly face is all over bottles of rum now, for some reason.

If these people can’t stand to do their jobs, that’s no excuse for watching pornography. They should just do what the rest of America does when they’re bored at work and hate their jobs: Post Facebooks status updates expressing how bored they are at work and how much they hate their job.

For these and other reasons too numerous to count, I support extending the relevant language of H.R. 2029 so it covers each and every agency and department of the federal government, from the Ability One Commission to the Woodrow Wilson Center for Scholars — unless “Woodrow Wilson” is some sort of euphemism for the word “penis” and this so-called “center for scholars” is some kind of juvenile liberal potty-humor joke.

The Case Against Filtration: Keep Your Laws Off My Erection!

By Peter Wheelan

It seems like every time I turn around, someone is taking away another cherished right from the men of this country.

First, they took away our right to be the only ones allowed to vote, then it was our right to keep women out of the workplace. Now, in an effort to make men’s work even more insufferable than it became once we had to let in all those mouthy broads, they want to deprive us of the basic, fundamental, human right to watch porn while we’re being paid to do something else.

Granted, for the moment, it’s just other members of the federal government from whom the government wants to strip this traditional and well-established right of male workers, but how long do you think it’s going to be before this idea spreads into the private sector, depriving all sorts of customer support people, sales reps, IT guys and Fortune 500 executives of the best stress-reliever the modern work environment has to offer?

Some will suggest this issue has nothing to do with gender, but such people are either lying or stupid. Put two and two together, folks: First we let women into the work world, and then our workplace porn is being taken from us. You think that’s a coincidence? Don’t be naïve!

Sure, decades have passed since women were first allowed to leave the kitchen for reasons other than to go to the grocery store or pick up the kids from school, but the causal connection here is still clear for all to see.

Everywhere women go, their top priority is being a buzzkill for all the men around them. Don’t drink this, don’t shoot that, slow down you’re going to wreck the car, stop trying to seduce my sister — it’s just nag, nag, nag all the time.

This letter demanding that the porn-block be extended across the whole government is nothing less than the Trojan horse from which a broader campaign of censorship and heat-seeking misandry will spring.

People, the slope here isn’t just slippery, it’s positively slathered in KY jelly. Mark my words: Today it’s blocking Pornhub on the EPA’s internal network; tomorrow it will be legislation mandating the castration of any man who owns a neon Budweiser sign.

So, don’t just say “no” to the pernicious, censorious language of the internet-filtering provisions of H.R. 2029. Say “FUCK NO, YOU MISERABLE HARPY BITCHES! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS I’LL KILL YOU ALL!!!”