WASHINGTON – In the latest edition of Pitch and Catch, our contributors debate the pros and cons of a potential Donald Trump presidency from a porn industry perspective.

Mathilda Malkin, representing the pro-Trump position, is a conservative author, political commentator, blogger and author of Joseph McCarthy: Portrait of An Unfairly Maligned American Hero. Frederick Frost, representing the anti-Trump perspective, is a former longshoreman turned entertainment media analyst and three-time runner up in the annual hot dog eating contest hosted in his home town of Culpeper, Virginia.

The Case For Trump: More Porn Jobs, Fewer ‘Latina’ Titles

By Mathilda Malkin

If there’s one thing Donald Trump has made perfectly clear, it’s when he becomes President of the United States, illegal aliens will have a much harder time sneaking into this once-great country to steal our jobs, dirty-bomb our cities and sexually assault our citizens.

On top of barring Muslims (and ideally people who look, sound, smell or feel like Muslims, as well) from entering the country and building a big, beautiful wall between the Land of the Free and Mexico, Trump also has been clear he intends to use his incredible powers of negotiation to return American jobs from the horrible, freedom-crushing, American-raping places to which they’ve been exported, like China, Mexico, South Korea and Austin, Texas.

Trump’s policies will lead to enormous growth in porn industry jobs, by denying access to the market on the part of illicit performers from Mexico and Central America, which will also lead to a reduction in the number of racist “Latina” titles released by the industry.

Even the Latina titles that clearly feature slightly tan Caucasian girls with razor-thin eyebrows and weird lip liner are bad for the adult industry, because each one that hits the street inspires more illegal immigration from countries to our south by holding out the promise of gainful employment as a day-labor slut.

Beyond his industry-friendly immigration policies, the only candidate I’m certain doesn’t object to pornography on moral grounds is Trump, who understands a woman’s place is beneath her man, both figuratively and literally.

This is a man who knows a bimbo when sees one (especially when one from Fox News is asking him rude questions during a debate), so I have no doubt he understands the porn industry’s indispensable role in the intelligent and humane management of the American bimbo population.

Just like sharks, polar bears, climatologists and other relentless predators, even though bimbos present a real risk to society, they also serve a useful purpose in terms of controlling the population of nuisance species, including mentally deficient human children of the sort so-called “progressives” regularly squeeze out of their wombs.

The videos in which bimbos appear, the VIP room private dances they perform and the highly effective gold-digging techniques they employ all serve to distance men of low intellect from the women with whom they might otherwise be happy to reproduce, forestalling at least to some extent the arrival of a nightmarish Idiocracy-like American culture, from sea to under-patrolled sea.

While these actions may seem negative at first glance, think about some of the dumb men you know — your brother-in-law, for example.

Without getting into how I know all this about your brother-in-law, would anybody seriously want the same guy who can’t figure out how to operate the thermostat in his own home to father a bunch of future “takers” and lazy liberals who feel entitled to all the money the rest of us have managed to stockpile, despite the ceaseless efforts of Barrack Obama to take it from us along with our guns?

In short, a vote for Trump is a vote for a porn industry with a future, while a vote for either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders is a recipe for shipping what few porn jobs remain to some God-forsaken shithole like Pakistan, Guatemala or the socialist hell that is Finland.

This November, do the right thing: Celebrate Thanksgiving a few weeks early with a vote for winning and against political correctness. Vote Trump! #AmericanPornoForAmericanPervs

The Case Against Trump: Never Trust An Orange Person

By Frederick Frost

Have you noticed Donald Trump is getting more and more orange over time? It’s like John Boehner loaned Donald his aesthetician, or he’s vying for a spot on the inevitable Jersey Shore reboot.

Whatever the cause of his change in epidermal hue, there’s nothing coincidental about Trump’s gradual shift to a more carrot-like appearance and his rise to prominence as a Republican presidential candidate.

Among the many things most conservatives hate are art, literature and music with lyrics that aren’t sung in Italian by fat women. If you think about it, a lot of songs that aren’t sung in Italian by obese ladies have words that rhyme, even Bob Dylan songs.

Orange, however, is a word that rhymes with almost nothing, making it pretty safe from exploitation by folk singers, rappers and writers of dirty limericks. Therein lies some of the appeal of orange to men like Trump, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Conservatives also hate broccoli (just ask George H.W. Bush) in large part because it’s green and the color green makes them think of environmentalists, a population conservatives want to round up and put in one of those FEMA camps we’re always hearing about on the internet.

There is an exception to the conservative mistrust of green, of course: money. But let’s face it, everybody loves money, even the Pope, Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore. As such, I don’t take the money exception as being something that undermines my theory about conservatives hating green things, green political parties and green national security threat levels.

When Boehner turned orange, a lot of people assumed it was just the result of some sort of tanning bed mishap, but the truth is more sinister: He got that way because he stopped masturbating regularly. (I know this from my own empirical research, so we’re talking about firsthand knowledge that came only after a great deal of personal sacrifice.)

Now along comes Trump, looking just as orange as Boehner, talking about “making America great again.” But what does he really mean by this?

Mark my words, folks, Trump won’t stop until the rest of us are just as orange as he is. Don’t let his wife’s appearance and former occupation fool you: Not only is Trump no friend of the adult industry, but he’s also a clandestine anti-masturbation agent acting in the service of powerful Puritan forces rooted in Scotland, the ancestral home of Trump’s mother.

Stay true to yourself, porn fans. This November, don’t turn orange, and don’t vote Trump! #PassTheBroccoliPlease