SALEM, OR — The beautiful state of Oregon has the most liberal First Amendment law in the country and its biggest city, Portland, has more strip clubs per capita then any other city in the country – yet, it’s socially tolerant legislators can not summon the courage to call a facial a facial. Instead, a recent law working its way from the state House to the Senate hopes to keep criminals from dumping their body fluids on those disinterested in the experience. Alas for justice and mature debate, members of the state House proved unable to discuss the behavior like adults.

House Bill 2478 has been described by The Oregonian as a “bill too gross to talk about.” How ejaculate could be more gross than sex with the dead, rape of the living, torture, dismemberment or other forms of aggressively anti-social behavior is uncertain, but in Salem, OR apparently the differences are unspeakable.

Alleged to be part of some gang initiations, the habit of projecting “a dangerous substance at another person” has reached a point where laws must be made against it. In this case, the “dangerous substance” is not acid, bleach or a poison of any sort – it is semen or other presumably genitally originated body fluids.

While many a couple has merrily enjoyed the projection of semen onto a willing body part, the fact that a mother shopping at a Portland Target store was attacked with a man’s semen seems to mean that short-sighted lawmakers want to make sure that no one should be allowed to have any fun with the sticky stuff.

In fact, although the legislators likely never intended Oregon citizens to be denied the joy of cumming on one another’s bodies, it may soon become a second degree sex abuse crime to do so.

Too late for the man convicted of the aforementioned crime, however. He received a conviction for assault instead of the desired crime of sexual assault.

House Bill 2478 passed 57-0 and has moved to the Senate for further lack of discussion.