GRAND FALLS, Va. – When you think of potentially harmful items you can consume at Starbucks and McDonald’s, what are the first things that come to mind? Massive lattes packed with empty calories? Fried lumps of (alleged) chicken with curiously uniform shapes and sizes?

Perhaps. But if you think overpriced beverages and fattening foods are the biggest threat to your long-term health offered by two of America’s favorite franchises, you’re missing the real danger.

It’s porn, naturally.

Don’t get me wrong: You can’t actually order porn at Starbucks or McDonald’s, but there’s nothing stopping you from using the free WiFi connections offered by such establishments to consume porn on their premises. Nothing, that is, except the fact most people tend to consume their porn in private – and most people also tend to look down on those who do not consume their porn in private.

We’d be foolish to rely on societal pressures to keep people in line, though, especially when there’s a clumsy, insufficient and unnecessarily heavy-handed technological means available to prevent theoretical perverts from watching Ron Jeremy while in the presence of Ron McDonald.

That’s where Donna Rice Hughes, Enough is Enough (EIE) and their “P*rn Free Wi-Fi” project come in.

“Now is the time for corporate America to take a stand against internet pornography,” said Rice Hughes, CEO of EIE. “If we are going to make a difference and protect the younger generations, we must do so now – together.”

McDonald’s and Starbucks, don’t you realize the harmful things customers can consume on your premises if you don’t offer porn-free WiFi? Just think of the damage they’ll do to themselves as they enjoy your otherwise harmless offerings of salted, fatty meat piles and 24 ounce cups of jitter juice.

Sure, the healthy and nutritious products you serve are just what the doctor ordered for a nation overflowing with widespread substance abuse and obesity issues, but you are flagrantly ignoring the health of their souls with your open WiFi networks and all the porn that might, theoretically, be flowing across the wireless Information Highway to Hell. You don’t want to develop a reputation as establishments that don’t look out for the physical, moral and spiritual health of consumers, do you?

EIE’s campaign to cleanse corporate WiFi networks began in April then they contacted executives at both companies, urging them to implement filters similar to those mandated in the UK.

In early October, when EIE publicly announced its campaign, the group reported it had not received a response from Starbucks, but a McDonald’s spokesperson (no word whether it was the Hamburglar) replied with, “We appreciate your concern and are looking into options for effective filtering in the U.S.”

Nearly three months later, McDonald’s apparently continues “looking into options,” because EIE reportedly continues trying to convince the company to adopt filters. Meanwhile, Panera and the overtly Christian, chicken-sandwich-oriented Chik Fil-A chain already filter their networks.

Look, I’m sure nobody really expects those progressive commies at Starbucks to take a stand against public perversion, but I’m a little disappointed in McDonald’s. As I understand it, their CEO is a literal clown who also serves as permanent host to a house full of sick kids. It seems like he’d want to be as loudly and obnoxiously anti-porn as possible, if only to keep Michael Jackson-like rumors from swirling.

I’m sure Ronald will come around soon enough, though. He’s probably just busy working on the next round of Super Bowl commercials. Or, since he appears inexplicably hesitant to take action to protect his loyal patrons from the scourge of pornography, maybe Ron is huddled in an alley somewhere, huffing paint with the Burger King and laughing hysterically at the fact so many people consider their eponymous restaurants to be “family-friendly” when they’re both clearly sociopathic, porn-addicted, drug-addled miscreants operating in disguise and under fake names.

On the off chance he can be persuaded to do the right thing, however, I have another bone to pick with Mr. McDonald: Some of the toys you give out with those Happy Meals are a bit risqué, don’t you think? I mean, everybody knows Disney princesses are all tramps and harlots these days. Why not find a cartoon character to promote who doesn’t dress like an underwater whore?

Just some fatty, over-salted food for thought there, you sick, kid-corrupting circus freak. Thank you for your consideration.