WASHINGTON – At first, when I saw an email inviting me to an event in DC hosted in conjunction with the “Edmund Burke Foundation”, I was psyched. I remember Ed from college and that dude was just barrels of fun to hang out with. Typically, those barrels were filled with home-brewed alcohol of some kind. (It was best not to ask too many questions.)

The thing is, I could have sworn Ed’s full first name was Edward, not Edmund – but who cares, right? If my old buddy Ed has a freaking foundation named after him now, he must have really made it big in life! Either that, or Ed has died in some spectacular and/or deeply unjust way, because sometimes that shit will get a foundation named after you, too.

My heart sank as I read on though, because it turns out this shindig is being hosted by a foundation named for some Irish guy who died in the 18th Century. And if THAT Ed Burke’s Wikipedia page is any indication, I’m betting his parties sucked.

Still, as a guy who doesn’t get invited to many parties, I thought I should give these Ed Burke Foundation folks a shot. All I needed was a better sense of what they’re about and then I would know which drug(s) was appropriate to bring to the party with me.

My due diligence brought me to a website with the enticing name NationalConservatism.org, identified as a “project of the Edmund Burke Foundation.” Quickly scanning the front page contents, which included links off to fun-sounding articles like “In Defense of the Culture War” and “The Case Against the Sexual Revolution”, I began losing confidence in the notion that this thing coming up in D.C. was a shindig I would want to attend.

Maybe National Conservatism’s Statement of Principles would rekindle my enthusiasm? I mean, how can I rule out breaking bread, chewing the fat and possibly drinking a spot of peyote tea with these folks until I understand their principles?

“No nation can long endure without humility and gratitude before God and fear of his judgment that are found in authentic religious tradition.”

Hmmm.

Look, I’m not opposed to other people being religious, but in terms of wanting to throw back a few drinks and mingle with them… well, this is not the most encouraging start.

“For millennia, the Bible has been our surest guide, nourishing a fitting orientation toward God, to the political traditions of the nation, to public morals, to the defense of the weak, and to the recognition of things rightly regarded as sacred.”

Ok, cool. But you’re not using the Bible as your guide to throwing a killer party too, right? Because while I’m all for overturning tables and think it’s great to have a host who can turn water into wine, I’ve always been more of a beer and hallucinogens guy.

“We believe the traditional family is the source of society’s virtues and deserves greater support from public policy.”

Well, they got me there. If there’s one thing society doesn’t do enough to encourage, it’s the traditional family! I mean, you hardly ever see straight, religious folks with kids out there anymore, except maybe in Utah.

“The traditional family, built around a lifelong bond between a man and a woman, and on a lifelong bond between parents and children, is the foundation of all other achievements of our civilization.”

Good point! Everybody knows people who have gotten divorced, gay people and all their collective progeny have produced precisely zero achievements in the history of Western Civilization. I’m so certain of this incontrovertible assertion that I’m not going to bother to fact-check it, because to do so would be woke.

“The disintegration of the family, including a marked decline in marriage and childbirth, gravely threatens the wellbeing and sustainability of democratic nations. Among the causes are an unconstrained individualism that regards children as a burden, while encouraging ever more radical forms of sexual license and experimentation as an alternative to the responsibilities of family and congregational life.”

Wait… this party isn’t going to encourage ever more radical forms of sexual license and experimentation? That sinks it; I’m out.

Honestly, knowing all this, I’m glad this foundation wasn’t named for the Ed I partnered with in my organic chemistry class, back in the day. Hopefully, THAT Ed is still out there, somewhere – and still growing psychedelic mushrooms in his closet.

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