By M.Christian

YNOT – Birds sing and bees relentlessly and irresponsibly pollinate, but the old euphemism daily proves a poorer stand-in for the remarkable carnal creativity of human beings.

Take, for example, the three environmentally conscious Norwegians who landed in the slammer after making their message of planetary love into a religious experience. Backed by Swedish group Fuck for Forests, two of the three stripped and began copulating on the floor in front of the altar at Oslo Cathedral while the third photographed the proceedings.

Authorities gave the trio a choice: Pay a small fine or spend 16 days in jail.

“We chose the former,” one of them explained, “because we didn’t want to spend so long without having sex.”

Halfway around the world on the U.S. West Coast, a proposed circumcision ban in San Francisco has generated no end of controversy. On one side, the Jewish community and others have been a bit snippy about city government’s plan to cut into a very private, and intensely personal matter. On the other, “intactivists” have applauded the city’s cutting-edge concern for men’s sexual and psychological health. If approved, the city ordinance would levy a $1,000 fine or a year in jail against “anybody caught circumcising a boy.”

Meanwhile, Republican presidential dreamer Rick Santorum has expressed hope that Google will “clean up the internet” — especially with regard to the association of his surname with a sexual act. In 2003, sex advice columnist Dan Savage hosted a contest on his blog in response to a series of anti-gay diatribes by Santorum. The upshot: A reader defined “santorum” as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex,” and the concept took off. Currently, Google’s search results for Santorum return links to the definition well before any links to the man, and Santorum isn’t happy about that. He would like Google to purge what he and other conservatives consider offensive search results.

“I don’t know how [Google has] treated other circumstances and other situations, whether they treated it differently than mine,” Santorum recently told an MSNBC interviewer. “I would suggest that if they have treated it differently and have done things to stop this kind of this vile activity and filth on the internet, they should apply it equally to me and everybody else.”

Moving on…. The official “Damned Kids, Get Off My Lawn Award” has been presented to Mike Stock. Stock, who is credited with writing a number of hit songs and launching Kylie Minogue’s career, recently castigated the pop music industry for what he views as a “descent into pornography.”

According to Stock, success in the music biz these days requires little more than “Put[ting] some sexualized dancing and scantily-clad females in the video and … on the box. Job done.”

Wrapping things up, science finally has been able to answer the question that mankind — and we mean that literally — has been asking itself ever since the first prehistoric dick-measuring contest: “Whose is most impressive?”

To be blunt, Home sapiens, it doesn’t belong to any of us. The honor, according to Discover Blogs goes to Micronecta scholtzi, an insect more commonly known as the lesser water boatman. Though the critter measures only two millimeters long — about the size of one of the letters in this article — males make more mating music per ounce of body weight than any other creature on the planet. At its peak, Micronecta’s song can reach 105 decibels, or about the volume of a car horn or passing subway train.

And how does the insect make all this noise? It plays its ribbed, 50-micrometer penis like a musical instrument.

Surely some enterprising adult entertainment studio can muster a way to incorporate that tidbit into a parody script.

M.Christian is a YNOT.com contributing editor and an author of literary erotica that blends the spectrum of sexual preferences and desires with horror and science fiction. Got weird sex news you want to share? Email him.