RESEDA, Calif. – In a biting piece of highly timely satire, adult entertainment studio Oak Missile has released The MILFer’s Mishap, a farcically erotic take on a classic piece of American comedy from director James H. White.
Just as fresh, edgy and over the top as when it was released in 1897, The Milker’s Mishap silently related the hilarious tale of a farmer milking a Holstein cow, only to have the cow kick over both the man and his milk pail. The premise begged for a raucous and raunchy porn parody. Oak Missile Chief Executive Officer Federico Banale says he’s amazed nobody ever thought to make one before now.
“If there’s one thing we know from our extensive market research on young adults between 18 and 25, it’s that they love silent films,” Banale said. “True, most of their favorites are recently produced, typically around four seconds long, infinitely looped and feature superimposed, all-caps text like ‘FAIL!,’ but their affection for the silent comedy genre is clear.”
In OM’s modern retelling, instead of milking a Holstein, the protagonist is fondling the breasts of an aging prostitute in the back of a minivan. When the working girl suddenly punches him in the crotch without warning, both hilarity and hot sex ensue in a plot that “wrote itself,” according to Banale.
“First, it’s always funny when a guy takes a shot to the balls — unless the shot comes from a foul-tip in an Oakland As game and the dude’s testicles wind up contused,” Banale said. “There’s nothing funny about contused testicles — unless it were to happen to Steven Seagal via a vicious front-kick to the balls right after he made a pass at a thoroughly disgusted young female intern. That would be awesomely funny, obviously.”
Banale said in this instance, even though there’s no sound from which one can judge the actual intensity of the agonized male performer’s shrieking, it’s “pretty clear the guy’s nuts weren’t bruised or excessively swollen — or they sure don’t look it in the close-up penetration shots filmed a few minutes later, anyway.”
As the protagonist recovers from the nut-punch, the mortified prostitute mimes her apology, with title cards relating lines of dialog.
“Oh mister, I’m so awfully sorry for causing trauma to your stones! How can I ever make it up to you?”
The aggrieved and anguished “John” responds with an image of a light bulb, followed by text.
“Despite being a wench most foul, if you agree to suckle at my bedfellow, then mayhaps I shall allow your testicular transgressions to pass with no further repercussions!”
With such hip, modern and snarky banter, Banale said the movie is “a lock” to capture the imagination of young viewers. In fact, Banale said he’s so certain The MILFer’s Mishap will be a hit, he has already commissioned several more movies for what he believes will become his studio’s signature video line.
“As I speak, production is starting on Baked at the Altar, a ‘420-porn’ reinterpretation of D.W. Griffith’s 1908 classic, Balked at the Altar,” Banale said. “Next up, we’ll be doing a ‘talkie’ version of the 1909 silent slapstick gut-buster The Curtain Pole called The Stripper Pole. That one will feature our up-and-coming OM senior-citizen contract girl Florence Lowe as Mrs. Edwards, and fan favorite Evan Polyurethane playing the hapless klutz, Monsieur Dupont.”
