WASHINGTON, DC — Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Not just some of America’s favorite words, but also the seven that may well have made professional wit, George Carlin, the most famous. Today the list is a charming reminder of more innocent days, before a highly vocal minority convinced the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) that it was only the tip of an obscenely exciting alphabet orgy. Carlin’s shtick eventually got Pacifica radio in legal hot water, resulting in a definitive Supreme Court decision concerning free speech limits and broadcast media. Since then, the Court has conceded that sometimes, especially when children are not likely to be in the audience, the words might be acceptable.

Lately, however, the small but powerful Parents Television Council has pressed to make that window of acceptability narrower, both for words and images. Writers fret about which words will get their work marked “edit and flag,” “flag and review,” or “flag” by editors – and programmers for both radio and television worry about becoming the next Cher, Bono, or Janet Jackson legal test case.
According to the PTC, the world of media is a fearsome place indeed for the young and the innocent. Somehow able to remain pure in spite of their research, organizers estimate that sex, violence, and profanity inflict themselves upon viewers during what they call “family hour.”
Fortunately, the internet still remains a relatively free, if under continuous assault, venue for frank communication. Good manners are priceless and so, this partial list of words compiled by and for the good people at Varity and presented by columnist Brian Lowry, is offered so that the world’s e-citizens can know which words might unacceptably excite, titillate, or offend them. Those needing more excitement, titillation, or offense, can visit Variety.com and keyword search Lowry’s byline.

Among the naughty words to be edited and flagged at Variety are “arse, balls, hole, jack off, jag off, bung holes, nads, bush, cream, pussy, quiff, quim, rimming, doggie style, fisting, tits, trim, goddam, fag,” and the all-time favorite of speakers and censors alike, “fuck.” For flagging and review, check out: “can’t get it up, lesbo, dildo, dyke, vibrator, and homo,” along with some racial irreverencies. No worries if words like “anus, clitoris, nipples, fellatio, masturbate, orgasm, vagina, penis, pubic hair, or testicles” are included – so long as the context is medical. The much under appreciated but entirely descriptive “asshole,” doesn’t get a break, apparently. Fortunately, colorful words and phrases including “ass, bollocks, boobs, knocked up, bump uglies, feel her up, bugger, freaking, douchebag, up yours, whore, queer, shagging, rubber, and nympho” only need to be flagged.

Feeling safer now? If so, thanks are owed to the PTC, FCC, and nervous editors and programmers everywhere.