By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT

LANSING, Mich. – With the liberal media and countless, thoughtless, neo-socialist goons on social media running wild with criticism for the Michigan Senate over a new bill that appears to reaffirm the criminality of sodomy and other abominable and detestable crimes against nature, now is a good time to remember something important about our country: It was founded by great, Christian men, most of whom never had any sort of anal sex.

With the obvious exception of the balding, bawdy and bespectacled Ben Franklin, a disgusting hedonist who even stooped so low as to have sex with French people, our Founding Fathers were a morally upright lot, each of whom feared God, loved their fledgling America and absolutely detested homosexual acts.

All the good senators of Michigan have done by including anti-sodomy verbiage in a new bill designed to prevent cruelty to animals is to remind us all homosexuals and other recreational sodomites are just like dogs — typically, little yappy dogs with pink collars covered in fake diamonds.

Here is the language that is getting all the progressives and homosexual apologists riled up:

“A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony, punishable by imprisonment for not more than 15 years, or if the defendant was a sexually delinquent person at the time of the offense, a felony punishable by imprisonment for an indeterminate term, the minimum of which shall be 1 [sic] day and the maximum of which shall be life.”

Since the bill doesn’t include definitions of the terms “abominable,” “detestable,” “crime against nature” or “mankind,” we’re all sort of left guessing as to the significance and precise implications of Section 158. (1), where this language appears in the bill — but taking it as a resounding senatorial smack-down on queerness seems like a pretty solid guess to me.

Of course, the passage also has the effect of making it clearly illegal to sodomize a sheep, cow or any “vertebrate other than a human,” which I guess means it’s still OK in Michigan to molest mollusks, annelids, arachnids, crustaceans and Vice President Joe Biden, among other spineless creatures.

This may seem hypercritical to some, but it’s also to remember the higher law at play here — meaning God’s Law.

While sometimes God was just as vague as an earthly legislator, I think we can all agree Genesis 1:26 provides a foundation for the notion it’s OK to have certain kinds of sex with some animals.

Just to refresh your memory, Genesis 1:26 states: “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”

As I read it (and I read it a lot), this passage makes it clear if you want to tie up a cow and whip it with a cat o’ nine tails (or even just a plain old regular cat), or make a fish dress up in women’s clothing while you tell it how worthless and pathetic it is, that’s just fine by God, because the passage clearly establishes He gave us “dominion” over such creatures, and every other creeping thing — even if the idea of performing sissy-slut training on an earthworm does sort of creepeth me out.

Some of you people who go the extra sinful mile by not just engaging in anal sex but also filming your detestable, abominable encounters are probably concerned the Michigan Senate has just added another layer of legal concern to your renegade, pornographic lifestyle. Well, you’re right to be concerned, because while the bill offers a clear and concise exception to those who lawfully kill livestock, there’s no such exception stating it’s just fine and dandy to aim your camera up a gaped butthole.

For those who argue passing laws that reinforce the criminality of anal sex is an unconscionable waste of the Michigan legislature’s time in light of the ongoing water crisis in Flint, I challenge you to find one passage in the Bible where it even vaguely suggests low-income people of color have an inalienable right to drink water that doesn’t poison their children or gradually transform their brains into lumpy mashed potatoes.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

You won’t find such a passage in the Bible, of course, because the Bible was written for real Americans like George Washington, Joseph McCarthy and Donald Trump, not fat progressive slobs like Michael Moore.

Enough is enough. It’s time to end the vitriolic libel being published about the good senators of Michigan. These men are doing God’s work, people. Let’s leave the water pipes to the plumbers!

Abigail Cuthbert is the president and co-founder of the Ray City, Georgia, Chapter of FRUITCAKE, the anti-porn organization formerly known as NUTJOB.