By Peter Wheelan
Special to YNOT
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. – Donald Trump and I are both busy men. There are some things we simply don’t have time for, like political correctness, exhibiting basic civility to others and reading past the headlines of news articles concerning things that fill us with face-reddening rage.
I read one such headline recently, a bit of bad news that stabbed straight into the heart of one of my major passions as an activist: Making our nation’s libraries a “safe space” for men — specifically for men who wish to exercise their First Amendment right to masturbate in public.
I’ve always thought the American Library Association was an ally in my crusade, but then I spotted a headline saying “’Porn-safe’ libraries clearly not ALA’s goal.” The line of type changed my whole perspective on this group of duplicitous, apparently fascist, librarians.
It’s bad enough a man can no longer enjoy a fine cigar inside a library reading room or a cold beer while educating himself in the periodicals section, but the idea the ALA isn’t even trying to make their establishments safe for sexually explicit expression and erotic performance art absolutely sickens me.
While library masturbators often have been the butt of jokes and cruel, belittling stereotypes, these individuals, many of whom are increasingly disenfranchised middle-aged Caucasian men, serve an important role in our society.
Library masturbators remind us of the importance of minding our own business while using library computers to check our Gmail accounts, encourage us to carry an ample supply of hand sanitizer everywhere we go, and inspire our children to stay close by our sides rather than wandering the aisles of the library like they’re looking for a porthole to Narnia.
Rather than embrace, support and celebrate these heroic and dedicated practitioners of beneficial and benign onanism, our society is encouraged by liberal-media-dominating feminists to think of these men as “perverts” or “sex fiends” or “fat creeps in dirty concert T-shirts from bands that broke up in the ’80s.”
While anti-porn activists have presented library masturbators as a threat, the truth is the masturbators are the victims, not those who malign them. More than anything, these men need somewhere to watch porn in safety and comfort without having to worry about harassment from heartless bullies, like silence-obsessed college students and nosy toddlers with no sense of personal boundaries.
In years past, the ALA has argued internet content filters are problematic, noting these censorious software packages “exclude a wide range of sexually explicit materials protected under the Constitution,” including “materials that depict homosexual relations, variations on conventional heterosexuality, and even nudity and heterosexual relations channeled toward reproduction and family life.”
Evidently, sometime between the last update to the ALA website page linked above and the writing of the headline referenced earlier, the ALA has lost its testicles — most likely to the pruning shears of some Gloria Steinem wannabee or a nattering “family values” Christian who’s bent on protecting us all from Satan by making it harder for people to browse tube sites in between doing research on old newspaper articles archived in microfiche rolls.
News flash, ALA: Blowbang movies and double-anal videos clearly are “variations on conventional heterosexuality.” As such, they should be made readily available to your tax-paying patrons and defended zealously by your legal teams, should the need arise.
Listen up, all you men out there: This library porn issue is just the tip of the oppressive iceberg when it comes to feminists and self-appointed decency police taking away your right to enjoy the fruits of your God-given masculinity.
You may think this issue has nothing to do with you, especially if you’re one of the fortunate few who have somewhere other than a public library in which to jerk off. Mark my words, though: Once the feminazis have completed their library takeover, your bathroom is likely to be next on their list.
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemöller, first they came for the library masturbators, and I did not speak out because I owned an iPad, a strong Wi-Fi signal and a tool shed with a locking door.
Friends, we can’t afford this sort of complacency. We men must stand up straight, be firm in our resolve and show solidarity with our bishop-bopping brethren while there’s still time. We need to write our congressmen, petition our city councils and bribe our state senators — whatever it takes to turn back the tide of wank-restricting misandry infecting our nation’s public library policy.
The time has come, my brothers. Raise your one unoccupied fist in a statement of determined defiance and let your voice be heard, grunting with inflamed machismo to proclaim, loud and clear: “Keep your laws off my erect penis!”
Peter Wheelan is a men’s rights activist, founder of the website VoxHominibus and author of male-empowerment guides “Who Asked You? A Man’s Guide to Ignoring the Nags Who Live to Stifle You” and “Make Me a Sammich, Biotch: Restoring Men’s Rightful Place of Power in Society and the Home.”
