By Pastor Bob Leenan
Special to YNOT

DALLAS – The subject of pornography has been coming up a lot lately around my church, and this time it’s not because of my late-night research into the evils of homosexuality for a book I’m writing.

While my sermons have already covered many of the forms pornography takes — including internet filth, dirty magazines, sexually explicit Etch-A-Sketch doodles and the Public Broadcasting Service — an important article posted by our brothers and sisters at XXX Church has made me realize I’ve left out a big one: porn books.

While these days when someone says “porn” most of us think of videos, the truth is the simple written word can be porn, too. In fact, because they’re viewed as less threatening and the things described in them aren’t necessarily actually happening to any actual children of God, books can get away with all kinds of disgusting pornographic depictions nobody would even think about putting in a movie.

For example, in real life, even the most debased and vile of hookers can’t have sex with a Minotaur, because Minotaurs haven’t existed on this world since Elhanan, the son of Jair, slayed them all with the sword of faith (1 Chronicles 20:5).

In the context of a book, however, not only can some unchaste harlot bed down with a man-bull, but she also can invite several otherworldly concubines to join them, maybe even demons of the sort our so-called President cavorts with during his cross-country flights on his special little presidential airplane, “Anti-Christ 1.”

You might think you’re reading a legitimate “romance” novel because the man on the cover of your porn book looks like the one Italian fella who can’t believe it’s not butter, but as always, unless it’s the Bible or my book, you cannot judge it by its cover.

First of all, this “Favlio” person isn’t a good man. He’s an idolater, and the idol he worships is himself. We all know the Lord has judged him to be such, because only if the Lord judges you an idolater will you ever have a goose hit you in the face while you’re riding a rollercoaster (Psalm 91:3).

In other words, even if the book of which he is on the cover is a vegetarian cookbook, reading a tome with Mr. Fazio on it is inviting the Devil into your home. Once there, he will sow the seeds of evil, encourage discord among your family and leave an insignificant amount of ketchup in the bottle in your refrigerator rather than properly rinse and recycle the container.

In porn books, whores and other loose women have sex with everything from malicious men and loathsome lesbians to dinosaurs, robots, beasts of burden and even graduates of Arizona State University.

Even if you try to avoid sinful porn books, there’s a good chance you’ll find porno hiding in other books, too, especially if they were written by a secular humanist. They can’t help it, friends. Once they strayed from the light of God’s marketplace of righteous ideas, where else could they to go but to the false comfort of the Devil’s neon-illuminated strip malls of seduction?

We all know how Jesus was tempted by the Devil in the desert for 40 days (Luke 4:2), but unlike Jesus, you and I are weak. You and I are imperfect, so you and I may find an involuntary tent has been pitched in our pantaloons when we’re reading about a young maiden fellating a particularly studly sasquatch.

Since virtually any book can be a porn book (including, I’m sad to say, John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress), the safest way to go is not to read books at all — other than the Bible and any books I publish, naturally. Those you can trust, so sayeth the Lord. (Promotiastes 7:17)

Some will say my advice not to read is “anti-intellectual” and they’re right, because intellect got us in trouble the first place, my friends.

Remember, the apple Eve ate was knowledge — and so it was knowledge that rendered us all mortal, divorced us from oneness with God and enabled the people at IKEA to create furniture that is nearly impossible to assemble. Knowledge, too, occasionally prevents otherwise pious people from donating large sums of money to my church.

And so I say unto you, read not books, lest they lead you to temptation. Read only the Bible and all those books that spring from my anointed pen, for these are the key to eternal life — and not only reasonably priced, but if you act now, they come with an official Prosperity in Faith T-shirt, while supplies last, so sayeth our Terms & Conditions. (Warranties 1:16).

Bob Leenan is a highly successful televangelist, the founder of Prosperity in Faith Ministries, and the author of “The Truth Will Make You Rich: Why this Book, the Bible and the Eventual Sequel to this Book Are the Only Three Books Your Library Needs.”