ATLANTA, Ga. – State of Georgia, come on down – you’re the next contestant on Let’s Get Sued!

Yes, that’s right, citizens of Georgia: Your esteemed General Assembly and Governor have just teamed up to make your state eligible to receive exciting prizes, including at least two lawsuits alleging new laws just signed into existence by Gov. Brian Kemp are unconstitutional under the First Amendment!

One of those new laws, which came to the governor’s desk as “SB 351,” is now known by the far more buzzwordy title “Protecting Georgia’s Children on Social Media Act of 2024” (“PGCSMA”). And the way this new Act is going to protect children is to augment the existing “Quality Basic Education Act” (“QBEA”) by making sure your kids aren’t allowed on social media without your permission. And, rest assured, your kids will never figure out a means to get around this requirement, because apparently, nobody under the age of 18 in Georgia is familiar with the abbreviation “VPN.”

More good news: While the PGCSMA amends some of the text of the QBEA, it leaves intact the QBEA’s “comprehensive character education program” (AKA its “character curriculum”) which focuses on “development of the following character traits: courage, patriotism, citizenship, honesty, fairness, respect for others, kindness, cooperation, self-respect, self-control, courtesy, compassion, tolerance, diligence, generosity, punctuality, cleanliness, cheerfulness, school pride, respect for the environment, respect for the creator, patience, creativity, sportsmanship, loyalty, perseverance, and virtue.”

Let’s face it, folks: anyone with “respect for others” who also demonstrates “self-control” and “kindness” has no business being on social media anyway, so it’s probably best if adults in Georgia who have completed the character curriculum delete their social media accounts and stick to reading nothing but the Bible and The National Review, anyway.

The other new law, born as “HB 910” and know known by the very catchy moniker “A BILL TO BE ENTITLED” (“ABTBE”), creates a “civil remedy for damages against commercial entities that distribute material harmful to minors without performing age verification method.”

I’m sure some minors in Georgia (and maybe some miners, too) will be disappointed to hear that unlike the PGCSMA, under which parents can give their kids permission to open social media accounts, ABTBE doesn’t offer a provision through which you can simply get your parents’ permission to look at porn sites.

On the other hand, the law does have a loophole of its own: So long as less than “33.33 percent of total material on a public website which meets the definition of material that is harmful to minors” as defined by the new statute, minors in Georgia will be allowed to access it without verifying their age. So, let’s hear it for all those 33.32% porn sites which will soon be launched!

More good news: Gov. Kemp is just as excited about the opportunity for your state to play Let’s Get Sued! as I am to watch the show when it airs!

“If we were concerned about all the legal challenges that we may get this session, we probably wouldn’t have passed anything,” Kemp said.

Put another way: “Aw shit; we pass unconstitutional laws here in Jawja all the damn time. It’s just a tradition of ours.”

Grated, there are some folks out there who aren’t happy about Georgia’s pending appearance on Let’s Get Sued! – even though they might be the ones doing the suing.

“SB 351 breaches Georgians’ privacy, endangers security, violates constitutional rights, and creates a one-size-fits all ‘solution’ that erases parents,” said Carl Szabo, vice president and general counsel for NetChoice. “This unconstitutional law will not help a single Georgian or family.”

You know wut? Around these parts, we call that sort of legal mumbo jumbo “nitpicking.”

“It’s unfortunate to see Georgia implement a similar, failed idea as some other states across the country,” Szabo added. “Already, states like Ohio have unsuccessfully tried to enact similar approaches, and various courts have echoed concerns when halting these laws. There are better ways to protect Georgians, their families and their data online without infringing on their freedoms or jeopardizing their safety and security.”

If Mr. Szabo sounds like he already knows what sort of prizes we hand out on Let’s Get Sued!, it’s because he has been part of our panel of litigants a few times already. Hey Carl – no spoilers, buddy!

The air date of our Georgia episode is still TBD, but rest assured, with PGCSMA and ABTBE in its pocket, Georgia will eventually get the chance to FAFO.