By Rev. James Dandy
Special to YNOT

BEAVER VALLEY, Ariz. – Friends, I have heard a great deal of blasphemy in my time, but rarely have my eyes been burned by such vile, unconscionable “advice” as when I read a terrible bit of claptrap called “Here’s how to talk to young men about porn,” written by some corrupt, filthy-minded British individual named Martin Daubney.

When I first spotted the headline, I reasonably assumed it would focus on ways to correct the sinful impulses of youth, pointers for young men on how they might avoid the corruptive influence of pornography — or better yet, how they might rise up and destroy it.

Instead, unbelievably, this Daubney fellow talks about porn as though looking at it won’t befoul the souls of men or turn them into mindless vessels of Satan’s will.

“My take on porn is like my take on alcohol: Prohibition will always fail, but it’s similarly risky to hand kids the keys to the drinks cabinet,” Daubney wrote, blithely dismissing the option of outright porn censorship, which we all know is the best possible solution to our ongoing international porn calamity.

“Instead, we need to encourage responsible and critical consumption,” Daubney ludicrously suggested, “and those conversations need to happen in schools and at home.”

That’s right: Instead of bellowing at youngsters and striking them repeatedly with Belts of Righteousness, this limey madman would have us talk to young men about porn — as though these hideous conversations won’t result in immediate exploration of their unnatural, disgusting sexual impulses.

“With porn, I urge teenagers to question what they see, rather than accepting it as true,” Daubney wrote. “Not all men have penises like draught excluders. You don’t have to shave yourself bald; not everybody likes it like that. If you see something in porn and you want to try it in the real world — always ask first. And if the person says no, then no always means no.”

Friends, this is not the way to talk to young people about porn! It’s not even close.

If the rampant success of the War on Drugs has taught us nothing else, it has proved messaging campaigns based on clearly communicating the consequences of poor choices and wrongful acts works.

After all, you hardly ever hear about people smoking marijuana these days, which is a direct result of the brilliant “Harmless?” public service announcements that conclusively proved if you smoke the Demon Weed, you’ll wind up shooting your friend while he’s trying to perform surgery on someone riding a bicycle past the exit of a drive-thru lane at a local fast food restaurant.

No, Mr. Daubney, this is how you should talk to young men about porn:

Son, if you keep watching porn, not only will hair grow on your knuckles and your penis will stop working, but God will condemn you to the fires of Hell, where you will spend eternity being double-penetrated by the Devil’s pitchfork.

What’s that you say? The young man in your life isn’t a Christian, so this approach won’t work?

Beyond the immediate need to perform a spiritual intervention (to include yourself, by the way, if somehow you’re not a Christian, either), I advise an aggressive approach based on whatever it is the young man does believe. If he’s not a God-fearing Christian, undoubtedly he clings to some perverse secular liberalism he learned on campus of whatever joke of a Godless, non-Christian “party school” to which you sent him.

So, for young non-Christians, here’s how I’d proceed:

Son, when you watch porn, you’re undermining the agency of women everywhere, actively depriving them of a safe space, sexually assaulting them by proxy, unwittingly offering support to the oppressive, fascistic patriarchy and encouraging the perpetuation of rape culture — not to mention really upsetting that one chick from Parks And Recreation.

Of course, some young men are neither good Christians nor impressionable college students, so a different approach is needed for them. Thankfully, most of what you will need to adjust in your approach comes down to minor changes in style and tone, along with a few strategic buzzword substitutions to use terminology and reasoning more typically associated with the “global warming” hoax.

Son, when you watch porn, science tells us it causes the release of “bluehouse gasses,” which in turn damage the ozone, causing the glaciers to melt and polar bears to drown. You don’t want to be responsible for the drowning of polar bears…. right?

Finally, because this is in the internet age and young people are becoming dumber and less accepting of obvious truths by the day, you also need an approach to discouraging young men from watching porn that will dissuade the growing number of conspiracy theorists.

Son, when you watch porn, you put even more money in the pockets of the Rockefellers and Rothschilds, thereby supporting them and their Reptilian allies in their joint effort to dominate the world, introduce more genetically modified foods (including GMO popsicles!), perpetuate fake mass shootings around the U.S. in order to encourage politicians to disarm the public, and convince people of crazy ideas like we once landed a manned rocket on the surface of the moon.

There you have it folks — four great ways to talk to young men about porn, none of which involves anything risky or dangerous like education or so-called critical thinking and facts.

Good luck in your quest to turn around all those young folks — and remember, if they ask any questions, just fall back on what you’ve been telling them since the day they were born: Because I said so.

Reverend James Dandy is the founder of the Second Baptist Church of Beaver Valley in Beaver Valley, Arizona.

Image: The Grim Reaper, Nikolai Aleksandrovich Tarkhov