LAS VEGAS – We’re hearing a lot these days about women watching porn — why they do it, how they do it, with whom they do it, what items from which drawers in their refrigerator they bring with them when they do it, etc.

What we haven’t heard as much about, for some reason, is how men really feel about porn. Do they have any handy masturbation tips to pass along? Do they turn up the volume just to creep out their neighbors, or are they legitimately hard of hearing?

I recently sat down with a small group of men to find out what makes them tick when it comes to porn — and with the sincere hope the source of the ticking wasn’t a suicide bomb-vest triggered by a kitchen timer.

All spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“To me, porn isn’t at all ‘sexy’ or ‘hot,’ because it’s nothing like real sex. I really wish someone would make porn that’s more authentic and resonates with my own sexual experiences. For example, how come the women in porn never cry right after sex or run off to the bathroom and stay in there until they hear me leave the hotel room? Or call up Linda Tripp to tell her all about it or file lawsuits against me after I watch their videos. See what I mean? Porn just isn’t realistic.” —Bill, 70, Chappaqua, N.Y.

“I only watch porn on special occasions like sunrise, sunset, lunchtime, dusk, at the library, when I’m riding a bus, in the middle of long, boring shifts at work and during halftime of each NFL game. It’s not that I don’t like porn, it’s just that it takes my penis at least a couple hours to recover from each time I masturbate, so I definitely try to keep my porn surfing to a minimum, especially when there’s visible bleeding taking place along the shaft.” —Seth, 42, Kingman, Ariz.

“In the town where I grew up, we didn’t have any sex shops or adult video stores. Hell, we didn’t even have a Blockbuster where I could rent My Tutor. So, when the internet came along and I got the opportunity to look at porn for the first time, I was really excited. The only drawback is the picture of Danni Ashe I clicked on in 1997 is still downloading, so I can’t really say what I think about porn just yet. Judging by her face and the very top of her breasts, though, I think I’m really going to like this stuff, eventually.” —Ron, 51, Readsville, Mo.

“Porn is disgusting, folks — really, really bad stuff, OK? Most of it is made in Mexico, and it comes into this country unchecked. There’s no vetting of Mexican porn. Can you believe that? It’s true, it’s really tremendously true and it’s a very big problem. And most of the women in porn… Well, they wouldn’t be my first choice, I’ll tell you that. And it’s really terrible, and Crooked Hillary knows all about it and she has done nothing to stop it in her entire adult life. It’s sad, just terrible and it’s happening everywhere and we just will never win against porn unless you elect a fighter, and I’m a fighter, folks, the only hope you’ve got, and yes I appeared in a few Playboy videos years ago, but those weren’t really ‘porn.’ I mean, give me a break. They say Putin is such a bad guy, but at least Putin has banned some porn sites, something Hillary would never do, because the same secretive cabal that runs the global banks and the international media makes the porn, and Crooked Hillary’s husband is the worst serial abuser of women in the history of the world, so of course he loves porn, no matter what lies he might have told about not liking it a few paragraphs above this.” —Don, 70, Manhattan, N.Y.

“I am the greatest pornographer in the history of pornography. Before me, there was no porn worth watching, but now, thanks to my visionary genius and the fact I’m the voice not just of this generation but all the great generations to come, porn is truly an art form. The haters can’t handle it, but the people know what’s up: I’m the man, not just when it comes to making the greatest music ever and the most beautiful and sophisticated fashion designs of all time, but bringing the greatness in porn, too. And all you other porn-directing bitches better not steal my floating porn set idea, or I’ll sue your ass for real.” —Kanye, 39, Hidden Hills, Calif.

“I’m straight but I only like watching gay porn, because I like to see real, authentic male pleasure being experienced, not all the fake grunting and groaning you see in straight porn. My favorite place to watch porn is at the massage parlor, because even if the movie I’m watching doesn’t have a happy ending, I get one for myself, if you know what I mean. And no, just because my masseur is a dude and I’m watching gay porn while he jerks me off, it doesn’t mean I’m gay. No matter how you slice it, I can’t be gay, because everybody knows there’s no such thing as a gay scientologist.” —John, 62, Ocala, Fla.

“I like to watch porn while I’m sexting with people who aren’t my wife, because it helps me attain an erection which looks really good in pictures, straining against the fabric of my boxers and reaching up toward my impressive abs. If only I could stop accidentally sending the same pictures to my entire list of followers, life would be perfect.” —Anthony (AKA “Carlos”), Manhattan, NY.