By Dave Cummings

YNOT – Well, the old guy (me!) finally gave in and now has a cell phone. I was the lone long-term holdout among a bunch of Hash House Harrier (Google it) running club friends trying not to be pushed into being tethered to living in the tech age. Those who were once part of the initial group, and who previously succumbed, subsequently applied nonstop pressure on those of us still resisting. Now, like them, I can watch porn on my iPhone 4S when circumstances allow. As the last one standing, I won a lot of beers from the others — beers I’ll already have consumed by the time you read this.

I gave in on the phone so I would have one handy for emergencies and family matters, and so I’d have GPS capability for my almost-daily brisk exercise walks and the weekly running club jogs. Last week, I did 41 miles; the previous week, I completed 38 miles. Now, if only those beach area routes didn’t take me past the tempting bakery shops. I’d change the routes, but that would mean no girl-gawking on the boardwalk — something I’ll never give up.

Speaking of bakery shops and exercise walking, one of my pet peeves is those hard-to-separate stacks of coffee cup lids at coffee shops, fast food places and bakeries. Ever notice how coffee cup lids sometimes defy separation — kind of like those vitamin fish oil capsules that stick together and make your hands smell after you’ve pried the capsules out of the bottle? I feel sorry for folks with arthritis in their fingers or hands.

Another gripe is liners in running shorts, or those pants that cause runners to use spandex underwear to ward off chaffing. My bitch here is that they all too often bunch up and/or creep up into my crotch, which irritates my testicles, slows down my speed and causes me to have to pull them back down clandestinely so I can unclog my crotch and get relief, which allows comfort and a faster pace. Finding a suitable moment to do the unclogging in public is akin to scratching a testicle itch.

While I’m bitching and whining, here’s another: I have a “bashful” bladder. I can have sex in front of the cameras or in swinger group rooms with no problem, yet my bladder won’t let me urinate if anyone is nearby. It never fails: After drinking coffee, I need to pee in the middle of one of my brisk walks. As soon as I step into a public restroom, pull my penis out and aim at the urinal, someone else enters the room. So, my bladder applies the brakes. (I suspect the trouble relates to my parents telling a five-year-old me that peeing is a private matter.) As a unit commander in Vietnam during the Tet Offensive, I managed to pee quickly in battle or ambushes. Nowadays, though, my bladder is bashful and it’s in command.

Gee whiz, I should be writing about sex or porn, not my petty personal complaints. As an apology, here is some advice for those of you gentlemen who don’t already know this: Eating pineapple can change the flavor of semen. Better tasting cum may help you convince your significant other to let you blow your load in her mouth. So, for upcoming special events like wedding nights, birthdays, anniversaries, swinger parties or just routine lovemaking, I recommend a helping or two of fresh pineapple — fruit or juice — earlier in the day. Your lady might enjoy the taste and learn to like swallowing. Wouldn’t you prefer that to having her endure your load on her face, clothes, hair or other body parts?

I was at a swinger pool party last weekend where the pineapple “thing” was well known, and a couple of ladies ended up recruiting other woman for me to demonstrate the benefits of pineapple cum-sweetening. I felt sort of used, but I was “up” for several demonstrations. One young lady said she wants to be gangbanged orally by pineapple consumers during next month’s pool-and-pizza party. She gave excellent head, so I will probably attend that event.

Summer seems to be rocketing by. The views at the San Diego beaches are fantastic, and I’m not talking about the scenery or the dolphins. So many girls, including some who look barely 18, are wearing exceedingly skimpy bikinis and showing off their camel toes. The younger guys have caught onto it and seem almost drunk on the eye candy feast. Be aware that we have generations of perverts in training at San Diego beaches to take over from us old fogeys in a few years. Since there are many nearby beach bars, I hope the under-21 folks are using condoms if they get lucky with the bikini-clad girls; same for the over-21 crowd hitting bars and hoping to score.

Enjoy the rest of your summer. Use sun block religiously and keep condoms handy. And, please be nice to others just to be a considerate human being.

Dave Cummings, “the world’s oldest porn star,” is a performer, producer, director and member of the AVN Hall of Fame. Visit him online at DaveCummings.com, DaveCummings.tv or DaveCummingsVOD.com, or call and chat with him live at DaveCummingsInfo.com.