LAS VEGAS – What if I told you I had thousands of porn videos you could watch for free, any time, and all you had to do in order to get your hands on them was to send around $400 in cryptocurrency to a confessed criminal you don’t know anything about and knowingly implicate yourself in a felony in the process?

I know what you’re thinking: Sign me up, right?

I mean, shit, it’s not like you’re going to find free porn on the internet any other way, especially for the low price of $400.

Besides, just going to some random porn tube site, you miss out on the thrill of using the “Dark Web,” a place where porn-addicted, snot-nosed teenagers rub elbows with slightly less despicable creatures like organized crime figures, international terrorists and cyber-security consultants.

Here’s how it works: First, some hacker dickhead with nothing better to do compromises the security of a porn network, because let’s face it, there’s no more lucrative target these days than repositories of digital content that is widely available for free, anyway.

Next, the dickhead spreads the word among the friendless, socially-retarded criminal denizens of the Dork Web, which is just like the Dark Web, only smaller and more focused on playing video games. From there, one of the more sophisticated dorks comes up with the idea of porting the data to the Dark Web and offering the data for sale. The hacker likes the sophisticated dork’s idea and his scam begins in earnest, with posts offering the proceeds of his hack for an amount of money which definitively pegs the hacker as a small-time creep with no girlfriend, or mortgage to pay.

Once those notices are posted, some shmuck who’s tired of blogging about the importance of keeping your antivirus software up to date and maintaining strong passwords catches wind of the porn network breach and writes a post about the hacker dickhead’s claims.

Inevitably, someone interviews the people who run the compromised porn network, who then downplay the significance of the breach – if indeed a breach of a network with a name which includes the word skeet can ever be described as “significant.”

Eager to prove his hack more relevant and legit than his targets have presented it to be, the bored-ass cockholster who hacked the network then presents proof of his nerdly exploits in the form of screen shots, working passwords and other things which prove he has way too much time on his hands – not to mention way too much orange dust from those generic knockoff Doritos he eats compulsively.

The equally bored blogger then notes the discrepancy between the evidence presented by the faux Dorito-munching hacker and the owner of the network, ultimately concluding the evidence doesn’t really fully refute the claims of the site owners. At this point, the blogger declares the whole situation a “he said/she said” situation, although it’s not clear who “she” is, unless the hacker dickhead is actually a hacker vagina-head.

Wow, what a story. It has everything – a total lack of excitement, incredibly low stakes, $400 “free” porn, computers, the Dark Web, even a bored-ass blogger. All it needs now is Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, a dank hideout in the woods for the dickhead (or vag-head) hacker to hang upside down in at night and an orchestral score by some low-rent John Williams wannabee.

Once the Freeman/Judd version of the story comes out, we can all look forward to the story coming full circle, with a porn parody of the mainstream flick, called Fishook the Girls or Along Came A Dickheaded Spider or This Is Not Tyler Perry’s Alex Cross Flop XXX.

I know this all probably doesn’t seem as funny if your account is among those which may or may not have been compromised by the dick-or-vag-headed hacker, but look at this way: At least he didn’t get your Met Art passwords, too – that you know of…. (Yet).