NOBLETON, Fla. – In what he calls “an act of solidarity” with another Central Florida business owner, entrepreneur Pete Natterton has announced his intention to open a “Christian-free” porn shop in his hometown of Nobleton, Fla.
“When I saw the liberal media goin’ crazy and calling Andy Hallinan a racist just because he don’t want any of them terrorist Islamist people from the Midwest or Central East or whatever they call it hanging around his all-American gun store, I knew I had to do something,” Natterton said. “And since it’s mostly Christians always trying to deprive American citizens of their right to bare-ass naked chicks, it just made sense to do this instead of trying to figure out who’s Cuban and who’s, say, Iranian down here in Central Florida.”
Just as Andy Hallinan has an ally in George Zimmerman, who is now selling Confederate Flag prints to help raise money for Hallinan to defend against a lawsuit filed by the Council on American-Islamic Relations, Natterton says he’s teaming up with a controversial local artist to forward his cause, as well.
“There’s a fella who lives ’round the corner from me who was recently acquitted of trying to run over a couple old Jews with his 4×4 during a trip to Boca Raton, and it turns out he’s a real talented painter,” Natterton said. “So we’re going to put some of his very fine black, white and red imperial tricolor flag paintings up for sale, and see if we can’t raise some money for freedom, liberty, utilities and rent.”
Some residents of Nobleton aren’t too wild about Natterton’s plan, however, complaining the small town (160 residents as of the 2010 census) doesn’t need an adult shop of its own, much less one that openly discriminates against Christians.
“It’s a ridiculous idea at every level,” said Deidre Gatton, a 34-year-old mother of six who works as a park ranger in the nearby Withlacoochee State Forest. “First off, I’m pretty sure everybody who lives in Nobleton is a Christian, including Mr. Natterton. Second, if he wants to do something nice for that poor man who just wants to make a living while blatantly ignoring the fact the Second Amendment applies to all American citizens regardless of their ethnicity, then why doesn’t he just buy a couple of Zimmerman’s flag prints? I think they’d make a lovely Christmas gift for all the Dukes of Hazzard fans in his family, for instance.”
Other Nobleton residents are worried people outside the area will get the wrong idea about the tricolor flags being sold, since the flag was one of two German national flags recognized by the Nazi Party in the 1930s.
“I’m trying to get a business loan from the bank right now, so the last thing I need is for Nobleton to be pegged as some kind of anti-Semite’s paradise,” said Fred Buttress, a local exterminator who wants to expand his operations as far east as Clermont. “I mean, according to the sign on his desk, my loan officer’s name is Kieran McAuliffe, but I bet my bottom dollar he changed it and it was originally something like ‘Aaron Goldberg’ or ‘Eli Weinstein,’ because you don’t have to be a neo-Nazi genius to know the Jews run all the banks, the mainstream media, Hollywood and every decent deli between here and Chicago.”
Perhaps surprisingly, some local Christians are actually applauding Natterton’s plan, including Rev. Jonathon Hommes of Nobleton’s New and Improved Hope Baptist Church.
“Scripture is quite clear about the fact Christians shouldn’t be watching porn, anyway,” Rev. Hommes observed. “So all Mr. Natterton’s policy is going to do is force particularly hypocritical local Christians to sign up for broadband internet access or pretend to be white Hindus or drive to Orlando if they’re truly desperate and have a few extra hours to devote to their search for masturbation fodder.”
Asked how he intended to differentiate Christians from other customers in his porn shop, Natterton said he can spot “telltale signs,” in part because he has spent his entire life living among Central Florida Christians.
“Amateur Christian-spotters always rely way too much on seeing a big cross hanging around a person’s neck,” Natterton said. “But when you have more experience, like me, you know to look for other things, like those little stick-figure fish icons on the bumpers of their cars, 38th Parallel T-shirts and triquetra key chains.”
As a backup to visual clues, Natterton said, he can also rely on familiar speech patterns and turns of phrase.
“While an atheist might say ‘God damn, it’s hot today,’ they are never, ever, going to say ‘God bless you’ as they walk out the door,” Natterton said. “If I hear that phrase coming out the mouth of someone who has just bought a copy of a Rob Black movie, I’m shooting that motherfucker with my taser, for sure — and reclaiming the movie so it can be sold to a real American porn fan, of course.”
