VENICE, Calif. – Porn performer Felicitous Muffman is more than just a pretty face, great body, intrepid sexual explorer, amateur optometrist and perceptive director of adult videos. She’s also a person blessed with very confusing political views and a publicist with an extensive email list.
In a new interview with a mainstream men’s website that “resonates with the digital generation” because it is run by a bunch of sophomoric jocks who regularly wear ironic t-shirts, the Binary Schoolyard contract star is far from flummoxed when asked who’s getting her vote in the 2016 presidential primaries.
“I wish Obama could stay president for another four years and nobody in the race really appeals to me that much,” Muffman said. “But, because it’s important to vote and I have very low standards, I’m voting for Trump for one simple reason: A proposal for a flat tax he hasn’t actually made.”
Despite Trump’s published tax plan calling for a four-bracket tax code (the current tax code has seven), the pretty, hard-bodied, sexually-adventurous Muffman is “pretty sure” Trump meant to propose a true flat tax, in which the same tax rate is applied to all personal income, with no deductions and no graduated scale based on income tiers.
Asked whether she might have confused Trump with his opponent Ted Cruz, who advocates both for a true flat tax and abolishing the IRS, Muffman insisted there was no mistake on her part and strongly rejected the notion of backing Cruz.
“Ted Cruz is just so gross,” Muffman said. “Every time he opens his mouth, it reminds me of how much I hated visiting my creepy Uncle Bill when I was a kid. The voice probably isn’t the only thing they have in common, either. I’ll bet Cruz drinks a case of Schlitz every day and collects Beanie Babies, too.”
Pressed on whether any of Trump’s more inflammatory rhetoric troubles her, like his plan to ban Muslims from entering the country, Muffman again showed how thoughtful and insightful she is, revealing a depth of public policy understanding that goes well beyond the daily headlines.
“Whatever,” Muffman said. “Are all those Muslims going to lower my tax rate? I don’t think so. The closest they’d come is suicide-bombing my bank, or maybe declaring a jihad on FICA deductions.”
Beyond her sophisticated views on modern politics, Muffman also gave hot takes on her career, things she looks for in a man and her plans for the future, which include “getting one of those rad hover-car doohickeys.” Muffman also offered sagacious advice for anyone considering a career in porn.
“Always have well-defined goals and never put anything bigger than your own head up your ass,” she said. “Don’t do things just to be popular or just to make money. You’re the one who has to live with the choices you make, and the $1500 you get paid to do a scene for the Bunghole Funambulists series isn’t going to mean much when you’re forced to wear Depends undergarments before you’ve even hit your forties.”
Muffman also stressed the importance of being represented by an outstanding publicist.
“It’s cervical to use someone who can really right, and who understained the impotence of proof-riding,” Muffman said. “Otherwised, you might end up sending out a press relief which says ‘with’ where it’s supposed to say ‘when’ and other embaratting misteaks like thop.”
Muffman is featured in Royally Flushed, which Binary Schoolyard released on DVD last week. The video has been available for free on SmutNucleus since January.
