By Roger Beals
Special to YNOT

NEW YORK – As you may know, prior to becoming a valuable consultant to the campaign of a certain brilliant business mogul currently running for President of the United States, I was the chairman and chief executive officer of the Ferret News Network, the only major U.S. media organization not afraid to tell it like it is.

Unfortunately, my tenure at Ferret was cut short due to pressure applied by various harpies, shrews and crones employed by the company — women who had the gall to suggest I sexually harassed them. Me, Roger Beals, the very man who gave all those useless, stupid cunts the opportunity to shine in the first place!

To hear the hysterical, menopausal maniacs tell it, I was all over them: hitting on them at every opportunity, making comments about their looks, suggesting they wear tight-fitting outfits while on the air (as though there’s something wrong with a little fashion advice) and generally making a pig of myself at their expense.

While I can’t comment in detail about any of the allegations at the center of the myriad frivolous lawsuits that have been filed against me, I can tell you that recent news from Australia has me feeling more optimistic than ever about my prospects for legal victory.

The Australian case at issue involves a former insurance manager whose employment was terminated because he used his work computer to watch online pornography. After a hearing before the Fair Work Commission, the terminated insurance man is the one laughing last, having just been awarded $10,000 for wrongful termination.

The problem, you see, was this: As objectionable as his actions might have been, the insurance manager had done all his porn-surfing at lunchtime and while on breaks. Such behavior was not prohibited by his employment contract, as it turns out.

“In the particular circumstances of this case, the subsequently discovered misconduct involving the accessing, downloading and storage of pornographic material could not be properly held to represent valid reason for the dismissal of the applicant,” noted Commissioner Ian Cambridge.

Why is this good news for me? Well, to the extent any of my harmless, friendly overtures to women who worked for Ferret could be construed as “harassment,” this, too, took place entirely during lunch hours, cigarette breaks and after-work hours.

For instance, the time I seized a certain female news anchor’s breast, gave it a tender squeeze and made cute and affectionate honking noises for the amusement of everyone nearby, we were standing in line at the company cafeteria, not sitting in an editorial meeting or discussing talking points for the day.

Similarly, had I stuck my tongue between my fingers and made obscene slurping noises at another female anchor while she was live on the air, it would have been entirely inappropriate. Done in private while walking her to her car in the company parking lot, however, it was clearly a gesture of support and respect done in a good-natured, even avuncular, fashion.

Nowhere in my employment contract did it specify anything about not creating a hostile work environment in the parking lot, nor did it say I’m prohibited from handling a coworker’s breast during a lunch break. Accordingly, I believe I’m due not only immediate compensation for wrongful termination, but a heartfelt apology from all the ungrateful, uptight broads who got me fired in the first place.

Consider this, as well: Only about one third of the women employed by Ferret whom I allegedly fondled, cat-called, sexted, pinched, groped, insulted, goosed, demeaned and/or degraded over the years have filed lawsuits against me. To me, this is ironclad evidence proving at least two-thirds of these women not only didn’t feel harassed by my actions, but actively enjoyed and appreciated them.

Who doesn’t want the occasional pat on the back from the boss, after all? And if your boss’s hand just happens to slide a little farther down to the point where his index finger affectionately traces the contours of your butt crack, that should just give you all the more confidence you’ve done a great job.

I also think we can all agree what I did wasn’t nearly as bad as the unidentified Australian insurance pimp. The man was watching porn at work, for God’s sake. Who could possibly think this was an acceptable thing to do when real women with real tits are standing right there in the lunch line, implicitly inviting you to touch and comment upon their racks?

While I’m confident I will be totally exonerated in each and every lawsuit filed against me (and yes, I would consider an outcome in which I pay a massive cash settlement without admitting guilt total exoneration), Ferret need not wait for the courts to confirm my innocence before cutting me a check for this clearly unjustified termination.  With this persuasive and entirely on-point Australian case on my side, the only question at this point is how many zeros should be involved and where the decimal point is to be placed among them.

Roger Beals is the former CEO of the Ferret News Network. He has great and abiding respect for all women, even fat, ugly, bitchy ones with whom he only sort of wants to have sex.