By Coach K
Special to YNOT

DURHAM, N.C. – When you’re part of a major university that has experienced a great deal of success and achieved many outstanding things, you accept as part of the territory there will always be those whose jealousy and envy has lead them to resent you and take unfair shots at the institution of which you are so proudly an employee.

As the head coach of a highly successful basketball program, I’ve also become accustomed to having my every move scrutinized and criticized. Along the way, I’ve developed thick skin and selectively bad hearing, enabling me to ignore and dismiss the haters and backstabbers like the irrelevant noisemakers they are.

Still, when I hear someone running down Duke University for no good reason, or suggesting our many accomplishments in academia and athletics can be overshadowed by a single scandal or misstep, I feel compelled to stand up and make my voice heard in protest.

This is why I’m speaking out against an outrageous article on the Daily Caller website, which not only viciously mocks Duke, but egregiously disrespects the basketball program I’ve worked so hard to build.

While the bulk of the article is about an on-campus lecture series focused on “toxic masculinity” and the author’s clear disapproval of this offering, it’s the writer’s casual, offhand dismissal of all Duke’s achievements that really gets my goat.

“Duke is most famous, of course, for student Miriam Weeks — the 2014 porn star who insisted that nobody report her adorably slutty porn name, which is Belle Knox,” asserted the website’s “Education Editor” Eric Owens.

Really, Eric? Duke is “best known” for being the school at which Miriam Weeks matriculated? We’re best known for being the alma mater of a porn star, not for winning approximately 837 national basketball championships in the 36 years since I came aboard as head coach?

Maybe next Owens will inform us the most memorable and significant employee UCLA has ever had is Professor Neil Malamuth, not John Wooden.

How would Owens like it, I wonder, if I were to declare his most significant piece of writing to date to be this important, in-depth investigative piece about a spider that bit an Australian man’s penis?

Even if Owens doesn’t concur with this assessment, at the very least I think we can all agree it makes perfect sense for the website’s education editor to spend his time writing about cock-biting spiders. After all, what more important issue facing American academia could there be than an Australian construction worker getting stung on the dick by an arachnid?

Of course, Owens’ important contribution to our country’s understanding of the current state of education can’t be properly appreciated without also considering the keen insight he displayed in another recent article, entitled “PROOF: The Auburn Coed Who Took A Kickoff Right To The Face Remains A Total Smoke Show.”

You know what else is a fact, Eric? This girl has no idea who you are, doesn’t care what you think and wouldn’t fuck you with an Alabama coed’s pussy.

One could also argue Owens should be best known for another piece squarely in his area of expertise, the excellent educational exposé sporting the headline “Colin Kaepernick Makes More Cash Per Year Than 410 Marine Corporals Who Protect His Rights COMBINED.”

Showing his usual disciplined, laser-focus on only the facts most germane to his central point, Owens dutifully broke down why this earnings disparity is such a problem in the context of American education.

“Kaepernick entered the game at the tail end of the fourth quarter,” Owens wrote, no doubt quivering at his own profundity as he typed. “He handed the ball off three times to third-string running back Mike Davis. Then, the 49ers punted.”

Incisive, no? I haven’t been this impressed by someone’s perceptiveness and eloquence since last fall, when one of my point guards jammed his index finger receiving a hard chest-pass at practice and proceeded to yell “Fuck fuck fuck, fuckity-fuck, that fucking hurts like fuck!”

In short, if Owens seriously believes Duke University is “best known” as the school attended by Miriam Weeks, maybe it’s because he spends his whole day trawling the internet looking for clickbait-friendly bullshit to write about, instead of paying attention to important things that actually matter to students, teachers and parents — like basketball.

Coach K has lead his basketball team to 12 Final Four tournaments and won five national championships, and he believes anybody who thinks Duke University is “best known” for being attended by a porn performer is an ignorant dweeb who should really just STFU about Duke and stick to things he actually knows about, like spiders biting Australians on their dicks.