LONDON — They’re the kind of jokes that earn children mouths full of soap and adults a serious case of stink eye – but they’re also the earliest forms of humor known to humanity. In this case “they” are dirty jokes.Rarely acknowledged for its historical value, humor finally got its dirty due when the University of Wolverhampton released its Top 10 List of ancient jokes – which promptly revealed a lot about what makes and has made our sense of humor tick.
According to the academics involved, the world’s oldest recorded joke was first written down in 1900 BD and tells a tale that likely gave worldly Sumerians plenty to laugh about for centuries to come.
The joke, which is really more of a sage one-liner, goes something like this: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial is for a young woman not to fart while sitting in her husband’s lap.”
Pretty funny, huh?
For those who like their ancient humor a little less flatulent, there’s the 1600 BC quip about a bored pharaoh, believed to be King Snofru: “Question: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? Answer: You sail a boatload of young women decked out in fishing nets down the Nile and suggest he go catch a fish!”
That one gets ‘em every time.
Anglo-Saxon humorists looking for something from a culture a little closer to their own can check out the oldest British joke, which started tickling funny bones during the 10th century: “Question: What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s frequently poked before? Answer: A key!”
Other knee-slappers that made the Top 10 List include a 1200 BC story about three thirsty ox drivers from Abad with serious trust issues. One owned the ox in question, another owned a cow, and a third owned everything loaded on their wagon.
One day the owner of the ox refused to fetch water for fear that his beast would be eaten by a lion. The owner of the cow refused to fetch water because he worried that his beast might wander into the desert. The owner of the wagon refused to fetch water because he was convinced everyone on his wagon would be stolen during his absence.
Given their situation, the gentlemen did the only logical thing, which was for all three to go together to fetch the water. Naturally, things didn’t go as they’d hoped. While they were gone, the ox knocked up the cow, which had the fastest pregnancy known to man and delivered a calf that ate the wagon’s load.
The punch line? “Who owns the calf!”
But wait, there’s more!
How about the 1100 BC Egyptian one about the woman who was blind in one eye and married for 20 years? When her husband tired of her and found himself another woman, he showed his skills of observation by pointing out that he would divorce her because she was said to be blind in one eye.” Perhaps stunned by the stupidity of her husband, the woman responded by saying “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage?”
Fortunately, humor became a bit more sophisticated by the time Homer sang The Odyssey in 800 BC. When Odysseus meets up with the Cyclops and orders his men to attack, he assures his victim that his name is “nobody.” Thus, when set upon by the men, he cried out “Help! Nobody is attacking me!”
Other entries on the Top 10 List include the infamous 429 BC performance riddle from Oedipus Tyrannus, “What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon, and three at evening? Man – he goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man, and uses a cane in old age.”
Likewise included is the observation from 304 BC Egypt that although men are even more eager to fuck than donkeys are, their wallet keeps them under control.
Speaking of donkeys, there’s a joke about them in the oldest book of jokes known to man, the 4th – 5th century AD book Philogelos, which translates to Laughter-Lover. In this story, a man wanted to teach his donkey not to eat. After managing to starve his donkey to death, the man moaned “I’ve had a great loss! Just when he learned not to eat, he died!”
Also included is a tale supposedly told by Augustus about a survey he once took of his empire and how he noticed a man who looked very much like himself. “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace,” the emperor asked. “No, your Highness,” the man replied, “but my father was.”
And, finally, located within the pages of the Philogelos is a joke that many a modern humorist can identify with: When asked by the court barber how he’d like his hair cut, a king replied simply: “In silence.”
Hope, like humor, springs eternal.
