Contract-Girl Free Agency Period Off to Wild Start
LOS ANGELES – While official, binding signings of free agent contract girls cannot begin until Wednesday, July 15, the adult entertainment industry’s “whore-atorium” period already has yielded some surprising verbal agreements and potentially disruptive movement of talent across the league.
Lily Black, who averaged more than three facials per scene as a starter for Mortally Wounding Hardcore during the 2014-2015 season, was the first major free agent to make a verbal commitment, pledging to take her cocksucking talents to South Beach, home of rival studio Digital Iniquities.
“We’re totally psyched to have a gamer like Lily join our team,” said Digitial Iniquities Chief Executive Officer Marvin Michaels. “I’ve been really impressed with her going back to her debut season, when she set the rookie record for inches taken in a road shoot. She’s also a great leader in the dressing room, where she can mentor our younger talent on what it takes to be an all-star in this league — which, believe you me, is a lot more than an orifice or two and the willingness to have them filled up with penis.”
Mobocracy Films was the next to score a major coup in the free agent market, snatching up alt-porn rising star Oxy Gin, anchor talent in such gems from last season as Tattooed Techno-Tarts #3 and There’s A Rave In My Ass And You’re Invited Vol. 6.
Gin said while several other studios put impressive offers on the table, what finally swayed her wasn’t the money, but Mobocracy’s “commitment to erotic excellence.”
“There’s a reason Mobocracy titles top the alt-porn sales charts on a monthly basis,” said Gin. “Actually there’s two reasons. One, they only hire the hottest, most enthusiastic and totally legit alt girls, like me. And two, they have a totally great ‘in’ with the magazine that prints the sales charts, as a long-time advertiser, show sponsor and former employer of its current managing editor.”
The single biggest prize of this year’s free agency period, however, doubtlessly is Sasha McTush. The longtime franchise cornerstone of Irritable Angel decided to test the free agency market for the first time this year, after signing a series of contract extensions from IA.
According to a tweet from veteran ESPAVN reporter Palestine Hernandez, McTush initially made a verbal commitment to sign with perpetual contender GARISH Entertainment earlier this week, but now the starlet is reportedly telling friends she’s having “serious second thoughts” about leaving IA behind.
“Sasha is by nature a very loyal person, so she’s really torn between professional and personal considerations,” said another performer close to McTush, who asked to remain anonymous in order to avoid angering representatives of the two studios as they continue vying for her friend’s services. “On the one hand, everybody knows GARISH is where you go if you want to win trophies and build your brand in the media. On the other hand, the guys from IA always know where to get the best weed, even without a prescription card, so this is no easy choice.”
GARISH CEO Estebe Harsch thus far has declined to comment publicly on the McTush negotiations, but associates from the industry say he’s “livid” about the young starlet’s equivocating.
“In this business, all you have is your word,” said adult industry gadfly Kenton “KP” Pratt. “Well, I guess you also have your tits, ass and deep-throating abilities, but my point is nobody likes to have the rug pulled from beneath their feet — except a small percentage of Afghan men, for whom toppling unexpectedly from antique rugs onto hard dirt floors is said to be an intense fetish.”
McTush has for the most part remained silent on the question of where she’ll ultimately land, other than on Monday evening, when she tweeted an emoticon that appeared to be a fish riding a motorcycle. Social media experts are divided over how to interpret the symbol. Some suggest it indicates McTush is worried she’ll feel like a fish out of water if she leaves IA, while others think it might be a literal contract demand, given the performer’s famous fondness for sushi and older men who ride Harley-Davidson bikes.
Meanwhile, industry observers and fans alike are applauding the twin-sister duo of Fallacia and Morpheinia Lynn for abstaining from big free-agency paydays to help their small-market studio, MauveOculars, maintain salary cap space with which it can potentially sign other big-name free agent performers — or perhaps give their production space a much-needed makeover.
“We love all the guys here at Mauve to death,” Fallacia said at a post-signing press conference, her sister at her side nodding in approval. “We both really want to spend our entire careers as MauveGirls — but can we please get some new set pieces around here? There’s something growing on the futon that looks kind of like mold, only I think it has eyeballs.”
While there has been tons of activity in the market, observers and experts have been flummoxed by the lack of movement from one of the league’s biggest players, BrainGunk, which was expected to be an active and aggressive player in the free-agent market.
“Whether this represents complacency or a strategy that calls for developing young talent through the online classified ad-draft rather than acquiring talent in free agency is hard to say,” Pratt said. “I’ve also heard rumors some big-time performers simply don’t get along with BrainGunk’s aging superstar, Sharon Fluids.”
Fluids, who sat out much of the 2014-2015 seson due to a series of injuries and complexes, has something of a reputation for “taking all the shots and hogging the cock,” Pratt said.
“Everybody knows the girl’s a winner and super, super passionate about her work,” Pratt said. “But she also can be really hard on teammates, especially when she thinks they’re not giving their all. A few years back, when the Spanish porn star Agujera Suelto was still working for BrainGunk, Sharon freaked out during a blowbang scene they did together, because Agujera kept flinching and moving her head around during what was supposed to be a facial cum-bath at the end. It got downright ugly, especially when Sharon started screaming about Agujera being a ‘cum-dodging conquistadora’ and other borderline-racist stuff like that.”
While porn free agency extends into mid-August, the general consensus is the best available talent likely will be wrapped up within a couple days after the end of the whore-atorium, with studios thereafter looking to sign “role players” — performers who can help shore up team deficiencies in niche-specific areas. For teams that haven’t yet done so, “it’s going to be hard to hit a home run from here on in,” according to Pratt.
“In the old days, the industry’s scouting infrastructure wasn’t nearly as sophisticated, so a lot of great talent went undiscovered for a while,” Pratt said. “But with all the advanced analytics in place these days, we know not only a girl’s measurements, hair color, turn-ons and turn-offs, but we also know if she spits or swallows, whether she’s a true butt-slut, or just someone faking her way through anal by managing to turn a grimace into a grin and all sorts of other crucially important info.”
(Image via Vicky Vette, VickyAtHome.com.)