Presumably, Rush’s offer to “buy all of the women at Georgetown University as much aspirin to put between their knees as they want” is designed to prevent those women from getting pregnant, without them having to resort to the slutifying practice of accepting health insurance-subsidized contraceptives in order to avoid unwanted and unplanned pregnancies.

Now, I’m not a physician, so I can’t say for sure what potential aspirin between a woman’s knees actually holds as a method of birth control, but my hunch is that it might not work in certain situations. For example, in the “doggy style” position, I suspect most women could press their knees together so tightly that even the smallest tab of aspirin could not fit, yet still receive penetration by the male sexual organ.

So, while I appreciate Rush’s attempt to proactively address one of the day’s most pressing concerns (it’s right up there with Satan’s ongoing assault against American culture, I should hope), I think he may have missed the mark here, and in the process, missed an opportunity to address the actual root cause of all unplanned pregnancies: the penis.

I’m getting older now, so I’m a little shaky on the details of the sex edumification I received back in middle school, but as I understand it, outside of a laboratory setting (and, perhaps, ancient Jerusalem), every means of getting pregnant requires the involvement, direct or otherwise, of a penis.

Remember the affinity for simple solutions to complex problems that I referenced earlier? Well, what could be simpler than cutting off this problem at its source? Yes, the time has come for a solutions-oriented legislative proposal to create a nationwide program of prophylactic emasculation: the Saving the Nation from Immoral Pregnancy Prevention — or SNIPP — Act.

The benefits of the SNIPP Act don’t stop with a reduction in unplanned pregnancies, either. Imagine the other problems the act could solve. No more embarrassing erections in gym class! An end to marital tensions stemming from toilet seats left in the upright position! Choirs around the country would have many more sopranos to choose from! The list goes on and on.

I know the SNIPP Act won’t be well-received by some people. Men who currently have penises, in particular, might have an objection or two, but we all know solving America’s problems is going to require some shared sacrifice, right?

One potential drawback to the SNIPP Act is that castration would also reduce the number of desired and planned pregnancies — and that’s why we have to consider the breadth of the program before we hold any sort of ribbon cutting ceremony to celebrate its launch. There will need to be exceptions and exemptions in order to facilitate continued American procreation, obviously, which is why I favor a phased approach to implementing the act.

The enforcement of the act would start by castrating only those men who are particularly rigid in their adherence to their procreative principles — men who firmly believe that use of contraceptives is unacceptable in any circumstances and who also oppose abortion. You fellows want to lead America back toward virtue, correct? Well, nothing beats leading by example, and your willingness to be among the first to forfeit your phalluses in order to preserve America’s virtue shall not go unnoticed.

The next group to join the ranks of the nation-saving neutered would be the male members of Congress, as this measure would put an end to the impending epidemic of accidental legislative penis-picture-tweets before it starts.

Now that I think about it, the end of Phase 2 would be a good place to pause the SNIPP Act program and conduct a review of its progress. Who knows? After a freshly-cut Congress has reviewed the impact of the SNIPP Act to that point, they might reverse their collective opinion about the merits of other contraceptive methods. For that matter, one debate of the SNIPP Act when it is still merely a bill might be enough to convince them to trim short the deliberation before plunging ahead with something half-cocked.

Cutting-edge thinking like this is just what America needs. Frankly, I’m shocked that a heady guy like Neut Gingrich didn’t suggest it first.

Even though the plaque on Q. Boyer’s desk insists he’s the director of public relations for adult brand Pink Visual, he prefers the title Minister of Sarcasm.

Image: detail of The Mutiliation of Uranus by Saturn by Giorgio Vasari and Cristofano Gherardi; Palazzo Vecchio, Florence (16th Century)